The "Oscar Scramble" is in full effect as the Academy Awards approach this Sunday night.
The "Oscar Scramble" is basically a last minute attempt to see as many of the nominated movies as possible. I have managed to see nearly every movie nominated for Best Picture in the last decade. There are a few exceptions but I just didn't get around to those movies, or had no interest in seeing them. Usually I see all the movies nominated even if I don't have any interest in them.
This year going into the final weekend I have only seen 3 of 9 movies that are nominated. Now in the past when there were only 5 nominations if I had only seen 3 of them going into the last weekend it wouldn't be that difficult. This year I would need to see 6 movies by Sunday night if I wanted to see all the movies nominated for best picture. That plainly just isn't happening, not because I don't have the time, but because most of the nominations look boring as fuck.
It's tough to write about all this stuff this year because I'm so disenchanted by the awards themselves. First of all, I may have not seen Extremely Loud and Incredibly (lame) Close, but I know for a fact that it doesn't deserve one fucking bit of an Oscar nomination for best picture. The subject matter of the movie forces the audience to be emotional before it even starts and kind of forces you to try and enjoy the movie. Also pretty much anything Tom Hanks related has been utter shit for the last 10 years (aside from The Pacific and Toy Story 3). How he thought he was the right fit for Robert Langdon in the DaVinci Code movies just boggles my mind.
I could go on about how stupid that is but I'll save everyone time by just saying one more time that Tom Hanks is an asshole.
I've already said that I plain and simply don't give a shit about The Artist and it will remain that way. I watched (slept through) more than my fair share of silent films in college, I don't need to see a modern one. I also hate looking at that fucking Jean Dujardin guy. There's something about his face that makes me unhappy when I look at it. You could say that I'm not really open minded if I write a movie off before I see it, but most of the people who will say it's the best movie of the year probably didn't even see most of the other nominations anyway.
I plan on fitting Tree of Life and the Help into my schedule very soon. I also plan on seeing Hugo at some point and I know I will enjoy that movie quite a bit.
That's the extent of where I'm willing to go for the best picture nominations. I'd see War Horse but it's only playing in one theater near me and that theater sucks.
Hopefully I can catch Warrior, Young Adult and Shame as well before the awards. I know Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender aren't nominated, but I want to see how badly they were snubbed.
Those are the only movies that are nominated that I need to see before I make my final top 10 of 2011. Once I can differentiate my top 10 and my notable mentions you will see two more installments of movies of 2011. Just bear with me while I catch up.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Hopeless Traditions: Valentine's Day
I decided that it would be best to write my negative spin on Valentine's Day after the fact. Mainly because I didn't want people to head into the "holiday" with a sour taste put in their mouths. Not that I actually have any sway in what my readers think or feel, but still. I'm an asshole but I don't want to ruin everyone's day of whatever you want to call Valentine's Day.
Here's what I call Valentine's Day.
I'll start off with giving a little more info than you probably need to know about my past experiences. Maybe I'm biased because I have never really had a great Valentine's Day.
Four years ago my car got towed while on campus on Valentine's Day and I had to spend $150 bucks to get it back. So basically I spent 150 dollars of human money and didn't even get a BJ out of it. Lame.
Sad stuff. The following year I probably spent about the same amount of money trying to impress a girl who dumped me a week after the fact. At least that time I got a BJ out of it. Still I have to say that it definitely wasn't worth it.
I took a girl out around Valentine's Day in high school and had a great time, but was too much of a pussy to even kiss her.
You get the trend. I've had a very unsuccessful streak in accordance with this so called, "holiday".
Part of that has to do with the fact that I really don't give a shit about it anyway. You may think that I'm not really a romantic guy, but it's quite the contrary actually. While I put up the front that I don't really give a shit about anything and don't care about love, I do surprisingly. I happen to want to eventually land that prototypical 50's "American Dream" kind of life. A House in the suburbs with kids, coaching recreational league sports, sitting lawnmowers, family bbq's, neighborhood watch, and you know, all that gay shit.
I don't have a problem with romance at all or being romantic, I just don't like being forced into it. Sure if you really love the person it shouldn't be forcing anything, but that's not the point.
A true romantic gesture is one that is spontaneous and unprovoked. So, when we are expected to be romantic on Valentine's Day, how can we be truly spontaneous? Oh yeah, that's right, by taking people out to extremely exorbitantly priced dinners, garnished with fucking chocolate covered cherries, champagne, flowers and all the other stereotypical Valentine's shit.
It's dumb.
Nothing says "I love you" more than getting reservations at some douchey restaurant months in advance so you can sit around a bunch of snobs as they essentially pay for sex. That's kind of what it is. Especially for people my age.
The guys are expected to pay for lots of extravagant crap in exchange for their woman to put out a little more than normal. It's promoted and endorsed prostitution. I know that if I really wanted to tumble in the hay while paying for it I could just go somewhere in Hollywood and find it for cheaper than an expensive dinner + all the other expensive Valentine's Day trinkets. The catch is that may come with a side of sexually transmitted diseases. So that's frowned upon in our society.
So, if you're asking how to spend future Valentine's Day's as a young man? Or at least what I think is the romantic route to take on Valentine's Day. Then here you are. It's probably a lot different than what most women want, but that's because a lot of women are materialistic whores.
1. Home Made Dinner
If you want to impress a female while at this age, make her a nice dinner. Try not to make it too complicated, but if a guy like me makes a dinner for even myself, it's a rare occasion. So if you show the person you're with that you will put in the effort to cook for them, then they should be happy enough.
2. Movies
You might want to stay away from this because it's a little too generic and overdone. If you do go this route, try and actually make it something romantic. Don't go see the stupid romantic comedy, or tear jerker that was inserted into theaters to make millions of dollars off of couples and sad single girls the weekend before Valentine's Day. Also- don't watch any movie that involves Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston. Stay away from them in general, they're a waste of time, money, and brain power.
Try staying in and watching Midnight in Paris or something else that actually is romantic. First of all Valentine's Day should be all about spending quality one-on-one time with the person, not about going out and displaying that you are in love. Save that shit for when everyone else isn't holding hands and feeding their spouse food in front of everyone else. Second; a romantic movie that is also artsy will show off the fact that you aren't a total air-head and don't only like to watch Jason Statham movies. Make sure you stay away from watching The Notebook because girls are much less attractive after they've cried their eyes out of their skull. Just try and stay away from tear-jerkers in general, unless they are Up... That movie is magical.
3. Museums + Other Art Related Shit
Unfortunately because it is the dead of winter in a lot of places that are more relevant that California, so it makes it difficult to find anything to do that is outside. So try going to an art museum or doing anything "culturally enlightening." Women love that kind of shit and you should too.
------
That's really all I got for Valentine's Day because I'm the kind of guy who actually attempts to be romantic on days that aren't February 14th. I think it's unnecessary to flaunt my love for someone if I'm in a relationship on a day even everyone kicks their PDA level up to 11 (out of 10) to put on the facade that their relationship is better than yours.
What to do if you're a single man?
Now, if you are a bachelor around my age, how must you spend this day? If you're sad that you're single and lonely, then you are spending the "holiday" the wrong way. This is a day to embrace as a single man. A day that you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. There are many extremely awesome things you can do to embrace this and make it the best day of the year really.
Here's a list of awesome manly things you can do to make this next February 14th the best day of the year for a single man.
1. Go to a Shooting Range
Guns are the best thing anyone can do. If you're a man and you don't like guns, then you simply aren't a man. Shooting a gun is one of the best ways to clear your head and gives your whole body a feeling that can't quite be replicated. Women don't typically understand the feeling that comes with guns and often times don't endorse the shooting of awesome weapons. If you're single, you have no one to answer to, other than that gun that could be, being fired at that time so just shoot it already.
2. Eat Whatever the Fuck You Want.
Not that women control our eating habits directly, but they kind of do. I encourage you to eat food that is terrible for you. The more calories, the manlier. Gluten free? Make it a gluten exclusive day. Eat foods that give you horrible gas then fart and bask in the glory that is the ability to expel gas whenever you want.
For example I ate a bowl of chili last night, and had tons of pizza for lunch at a buffet. I had awful gas and I felt great about it. If I were in a relationship, this probably wouldn't happen.
3. Action Movies
Most women don't understand the treat that is Arnold Schwarzenegger. They don't understand why we smile and laugh when we hear Hans Gruber read off a dead man's shirt "Now I have a Machine Gun. Ho-Ho-Ho." Fact is women just don't fully understand how awesome action movies are. Valentine's Day is the time to crack out the greats. I recommend Predator. You really can't find a movie with more testosterone in it. It's plain and simply the manliest movie that exists. If you want to spend the end of your night the correct way then you will drink many beverages of an alcohol nature, and watch Arnold, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura fight an extra-terrestrial in the heart of the jungle.
4. Pornography
Watch lots of it. Go crazy.
5. Video Games
Generally speaking, women don't like video games. Sure there are exceptions, but they are exceptions because they are the minority. Sometimes there's nothing better than shooting the shit with some people as I pop some skulls in Modern Warfare 3. It's just the right thing to do sometimes.
6. Make Sure the Toilet Seat is Never Down Unless You Are Shitting
This is self explanatory. If you were in a relationship you would be criticized for neglecting to put it back down after you peed. Make sure you do it, and acknowledge the fact that it's awesome.
7. Adult Beverages
I forgot to mention that drinking beverages of the adult nature are mandatory during nearly all of this day. Sure you should probably drink some water because it is essential to survive, but a Man-lentine's day is best celebrated when 10 drinks deep. No martini's, no fruity beers, stay away from ciders and hard liquor unless you're drinking it neat or on the rocks. It's just the right thing to do.
8. Smoke A Pipe And/Or A Cigar
Cigars and pipes are delightful. Most women don't like the smells that come with them. On this day make sure everything you own stinks like smoke and you've spent your time successfully.
9. Pee Outside
Most women don't pee outside unless they're drunk or camping. Men have the ability to pee outside whenever it is at all possible. Sure I live in LA but I make a good point to pee outside just because I can, and I love to. Lots of women don't really understand how awesome it is to pee outside, but it really is. It's a freedom they'll never be able to understand, and we need to acknowledge this on every February 14th when we are single.
10. Buy "That Thing You Really Want, But Don't Have Yet"
This could mean any number of things. A video game, a gun, a cool chair, golf club, a crazy bottle of booze, you know, anything. There's gotta be that one thing you've wanted for some time and because you don't have to spend a bunch of money on a broad, you can spend it on yourself, totally justified.
-------
That right there is a list of suggestions that would be the best way to spend Valentine's Day as a single man. You could also go to a bar and find a girl to make sexual intercourse with. On Valentine's Day they are most likely sad that they don't have a date and are extremely vulnerable. If approached correctly, it could be like shooting fish in a barrel. Fortunately I am not depraved enough to attempt this seeing that I marginally respect women and look more for relationships than meaningless intercourse. Damn you self respect, and good morals.
Now Valentine's Day is not entirely a terrible tradition. It's different for older couples who have been together for a long time. They deserve days like this because they live busy lives and often times don't have the opportunity to show their love. In young romance you should have the time to build that romance and don't need a day to celebrate it. I say you go out there and be as romantic as you can be on every day, as opposed to just February 14th. I hope that people will focus less on the materialistic aspects of the day in the future. Unfortunately that just won't happen.
Here's what I call Valentine's Day.
I'll start off with giving a little more info than you probably need to know about my past experiences. Maybe I'm biased because I have never really had a great Valentine's Day.
Four years ago my car got towed while on campus on Valentine's Day and I had to spend $150 bucks to get it back. So basically I spent 150 dollars of human money and didn't even get a BJ out of it. Lame.
Sad stuff. The following year I probably spent about the same amount of money trying to impress a girl who dumped me a week after the fact. At least that time I got a BJ out of it. Still I have to say that it definitely wasn't worth it.
I took a girl out around Valentine's Day in high school and had a great time, but was too much of a pussy to even kiss her.
You get the trend. I've had a very unsuccessful streak in accordance with this so called, "holiday".
Part of that has to do with the fact that I really don't give a shit about it anyway. You may think that I'm not really a romantic guy, but it's quite the contrary actually. While I put up the front that I don't really give a shit about anything and don't care about love, I do surprisingly. I happen to want to eventually land that prototypical 50's "American Dream" kind of life. A House in the suburbs with kids, coaching recreational league sports, sitting lawnmowers, family bbq's, neighborhood watch, and you know, all that gay shit.
I don't have a problem with romance at all or being romantic, I just don't like being forced into it. Sure if you really love the person it shouldn't be forcing anything, but that's not the point.
A true romantic gesture is one that is spontaneous and unprovoked. So, when we are expected to be romantic on Valentine's Day, how can we be truly spontaneous? Oh yeah, that's right, by taking people out to extremely exorbitantly priced dinners, garnished with fucking chocolate covered cherries, champagne, flowers and all the other stereotypical Valentine's shit.
It's dumb.
Nothing says "I love you" more than getting reservations at some douchey restaurant months in advance so you can sit around a bunch of snobs as they essentially pay for sex. That's kind of what it is. Especially for people my age.
The guys are expected to pay for lots of extravagant crap in exchange for their woman to put out a little more than normal. It's promoted and endorsed prostitution. I know that if I really wanted to tumble in the hay while paying for it I could just go somewhere in Hollywood and find it for cheaper than an expensive dinner + all the other expensive Valentine's Day trinkets. The catch is that may come with a side of sexually transmitted diseases. So that's frowned upon in our society.
So, if you're asking how to spend future Valentine's Day's as a young man? Or at least what I think is the romantic route to take on Valentine's Day. Then here you are. It's probably a lot different than what most women want, but that's because a lot of women are materialistic whores.
1. Home Made Dinner
If you want to impress a female while at this age, make her a nice dinner. Try not to make it too complicated, but if a guy like me makes a dinner for even myself, it's a rare occasion. So if you show the person you're with that you will put in the effort to cook for them, then they should be happy enough.
2. Movies
You might want to stay away from this because it's a little too generic and overdone. If you do go this route, try and actually make it something romantic. Don't go see the stupid romantic comedy, or tear jerker that was inserted into theaters to make millions of dollars off of couples and sad single girls the weekend before Valentine's Day. Also- don't watch any movie that involves Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston. Stay away from them in general, they're a waste of time, money, and brain power.
Try staying in and watching Midnight in Paris or something else that actually is romantic. First of all Valentine's Day should be all about spending quality one-on-one time with the person, not about going out and displaying that you are in love. Save that shit for when everyone else isn't holding hands and feeding their spouse food in front of everyone else. Second; a romantic movie that is also artsy will show off the fact that you aren't a total air-head and don't only like to watch Jason Statham movies. Make sure you stay away from watching The Notebook because girls are much less attractive after they've cried their eyes out of their skull. Just try and stay away from tear-jerkers in general, unless they are Up... That movie is magical.
3. Museums + Other Art Related Shit
Unfortunately because it is the dead of winter in a lot of places that are more relevant that California, so it makes it difficult to find anything to do that is outside. So try going to an art museum or doing anything "culturally enlightening." Women love that kind of shit and you should too.
------
That's really all I got for Valentine's Day because I'm the kind of guy who actually attempts to be romantic on days that aren't February 14th. I think it's unnecessary to flaunt my love for someone if I'm in a relationship on a day even everyone kicks their PDA level up to 11 (out of 10) to put on the facade that their relationship is better than yours.
What to do if you're a single man?
Now, if you are a bachelor around my age, how must you spend this day? If you're sad that you're single and lonely, then you are spending the "holiday" the wrong way. This is a day to embrace as a single man. A day that you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. There are many extremely awesome things you can do to embrace this and make it the best day of the year really.
Here's a list of awesome manly things you can do to make this next February 14th the best day of the year for a single man.
1. Go to a Shooting Range
Guns are the best thing anyone can do. If you're a man and you don't like guns, then you simply aren't a man. Shooting a gun is one of the best ways to clear your head and gives your whole body a feeling that can't quite be replicated. Women don't typically understand the feeling that comes with guns and often times don't endorse the shooting of awesome weapons. If you're single, you have no one to answer to, other than that gun that could be, being fired at that time so just shoot it already.
2. Eat Whatever the Fuck You Want.
Not that women control our eating habits directly, but they kind of do. I encourage you to eat food that is terrible for you. The more calories, the manlier. Gluten free? Make it a gluten exclusive day. Eat foods that give you horrible gas then fart and bask in the glory that is the ability to expel gas whenever you want.
For example I ate a bowl of chili last night, and had tons of pizza for lunch at a buffet. I had awful gas and I felt great about it. If I were in a relationship, this probably wouldn't happen.
3. Action Movies
Most women don't understand the treat that is Arnold Schwarzenegger. They don't understand why we smile and laugh when we hear Hans Gruber read off a dead man's shirt "Now I have a Machine Gun. Ho-Ho-Ho." Fact is women just don't fully understand how awesome action movies are. Valentine's Day is the time to crack out the greats. I recommend Predator. You really can't find a movie with more testosterone in it. It's plain and simply the manliest movie that exists. If you want to spend the end of your night the correct way then you will drink many beverages of an alcohol nature, and watch Arnold, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura fight an extra-terrestrial in the heart of the jungle.
4. Pornography
Watch lots of it. Go crazy.
5. Video Games
Generally speaking, women don't like video games. Sure there are exceptions, but they are exceptions because they are the minority. Sometimes there's nothing better than shooting the shit with some people as I pop some skulls in Modern Warfare 3. It's just the right thing to do sometimes.
6. Make Sure the Toilet Seat is Never Down Unless You Are Shitting
This is self explanatory. If you were in a relationship you would be criticized for neglecting to put it back down after you peed. Make sure you do it, and acknowledge the fact that it's awesome.
7. Adult Beverages
I forgot to mention that drinking beverages of the adult nature are mandatory during nearly all of this day. Sure you should probably drink some water because it is essential to survive, but a Man-lentine's day is best celebrated when 10 drinks deep. No martini's, no fruity beers, stay away from ciders and hard liquor unless you're drinking it neat or on the rocks. It's just the right thing to do.
8. Smoke A Pipe And/Or A Cigar
Cigars and pipes are delightful. Most women don't like the smells that come with them. On this day make sure everything you own stinks like smoke and you've spent your time successfully.
9. Pee Outside
Most women don't pee outside unless they're drunk or camping. Men have the ability to pee outside whenever it is at all possible. Sure I live in LA but I make a good point to pee outside just because I can, and I love to. Lots of women don't really understand how awesome it is to pee outside, but it really is. It's a freedom they'll never be able to understand, and we need to acknowledge this on every February 14th when we are single.
10. Buy "That Thing You Really Want, But Don't Have Yet"
This could mean any number of things. A video game, a gun, a cool chair, golf club, a crazy bottle of booze, you know, anything. There's gotta be that one thing you've wanted for some time and because you don't have to spend a bunch of money on a broad, you can spend it on yourself, totally justified.
-------
That right there is a list of suggestions that would be the best way to spend Valentine's Day as a single man. You could also go to a bar and find a girl to make sexual intercourse with. On Valentine's Day they are most likely sad that they don't have a date and are extremely vulnerable. If approached correctly, it could be like shooting fish in a barrel. Fortunately I am not depraved enough to attempt this seeing that I marginally respect women and look more for relationships than meaningless intercourse. Damn you self respect, and good morals.
Now Valentine's Day is not entirely a terrible tradition. It's different for older couples who have been together for a long time. They deserve days like this because they live busy lives and often times don't have the opportunity to show their love. In young romance you should have the time to build that romance and don't need a day to celebrate it. I say you go out there and be as romantic as you can be on every day, as opposed to just February 14th. I hope that people will focus less on the materialistic aspects of the day in the future. Unfortunately that just won't happen.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Friends With Kids
I figured I would take a break from my review of the films of 2011 to talk a little bit about a film from the future. Oh and this is not my personal thoughts on my friends that have kids, it's about a movie. Although if you really want me to write about people my age who have kids, then I'll just write out the instructions on the back of a condom.
After taking a really late nap last night from about 9 pm, till about 2 am I've been aimlessly browsing the net wasting a sufficient amount of my life.
One of the ways I keep up on current and future films is by constantly checking apple trailers to see what they post. They do a pretty good job posting the most recent trailers of the biggest blockbusters and manage to fit in a lot of the pretentious indie stuff that I enjoy watching. A lot of these things I've already read brief synopsis' and taglines about because I spend a large amount of time clicking name after name on imdb, learning all of the projects that my favorite actors, futures hold. I'm sure that was a lot of bad grammar but bear with me, I write like I talk; poorly.
Around 4 am I jump on apple trailers just as I'm winding down to take another crack at this thing people refer to as "sleep". I browse over the trailers on the first page and towards the bottom I see one called Friends With Kids. I'll start out by saying that it is rare that a trailer gets that far down the page without me at least clicking it and going to the next page to see what the cast consists of but because of the Super Bowl ( :'( ), they have been posting all the big game spots and in no apparent order.
So basically, I was intrigued by the fact that this has managed to sneak past my radar. Especially because I was on it last night for hours watching the Bourne Legacy trailer over and over. All of these thoughts zoomed through my head in basically a millisecond as I read the title which led me to my second series of thoughts.
Now I'll be the first to say that I have a serious case of ADD that was never addressed when I was younger. It is very rare that I can put two coherent thoughts together and often times forget how a sentence started when I'm reading or writing. More so when reading though. The only times I can actually get anything done are when I do them extremely fast late at night without thinking too much or being distracted, or if I have a deadline that absolutely forces me to focus.
See, I just digressed for no apparent reason. A lot of this is why I write long-winded things to describe one singular thought in my head. At least it's somewhat entertaining trying to read the swirl of chaos that fills my brain on a minute to minute basis.
I digressed again. What I'm trying to say is that the first thought that popped into my head after I really thought about the title Friends With Kids was, "Please make this movie be a comedy biopic of Jerry Sandusky." Not that you ever could make a comedy movie about the monster that is Jerry Sandusky, or that you should ever think molestation is in any way funny, you have to admit in a strange, farcical world, the idea of this is funny. Fortunately nobody like me exists in this world so we can be thankful that a heartwarming comedy biopic about Jerry Sandusky probably wont ever exist.
However I would not be the least bit surprised if they made a movie about him and painted him out to be the victim. Some people really love that twisted shit and it would be seen as "artistic" and "eye-opening". A lot of asshole-y, pretentious, self proclaimed "artistic" people live off of weird. I guarantee some people would see it as daring and different, as opposed to how they should see it, which is not at all. If you don't believe me that people would see a movie like this just watch this clip from the 1998 film Happiness. Warning, the clip is very fucked up, and is about a man talking to his son about fucking kids and what not. The whole movie is about pedophilia, suicide, murder, masturbation, and you get the idea. The screenplay for this movie was actually nominated for best screenplay at the Golden Globes.
So now you get what I mean when I say that people really do like this kind of fucked up shit. Same goes for Gus Van Sant's Elephant, which is about a school shooting by kids who seem normal but are victims of society. I'm sorry but a movie that tries to point out that society has made us violent, only gives us more ideas. It's a good thing that nobody sees your movies anyway, Gus (other than Good Will Hunting).
So that is where my brain went for the first two seconds before I clicked on the thumbnail for the Friends With Kids trailer. When I saw the cast I realized that it was a comedy and got pretty excited because Jon Hamm, Kristin Wiig, Adam Scott, and other great comedic actors filled the cast and it has promise to be a good indie-ish type comedy. The trailer didn't make me laugh really that much, but I still look forward to it.
Still, when I first read that title my mind went from thinking about the fact that I hadn't seen the trailer and it was far down a page that I visit frequently, the name of the movie made me think of a Jerry Sandusky movie, and how some people would actually enjoy a movie about Jerry Sandusky. I like sad/depressing movies, but lets stop making movies that make everyone uncomfortable. If I'm uncomfortable thinking about the topic in general, and can't really comprehend it, it's probably because I don't want to think about it, and don't really want to comprehend it. Just because some people have the ability to empathize with pedophiles, doesn't mean I have to.
I don't really know why I wrote this, or why I'm still awake, but sometimes you've just got to blog about pointless shit.
After taking a really late nap last night from about 9 pm, till about 2 am I've been aimlessly browsing the net wasting a sufficient amount of my life.
One of the ways I keep up on current and future films is by constantly checking apple trailers to see what they post. They do a pretty good job posting the most recent trailers of the biggest blockbusters and manage to fit in a lot of the pretentious indie stuff that I enjoy watching. A lot of these things I've already read brief synopsis' and taglines about because I spend a large amount of time clicking name after name on imdb, learning all of the projects that my favorite actors, futures hold. I'm sure that was a lot of bad grammar but bear with me, I write like I talk; poorly.
Around 4 am I jump on apple trailers just as I'm winding down to take another crack at this thing people refer to as "sleep". I browse over the trailers on the first page and towards the bottom I see one called Friends With Kids. I'll start out by saying that it is rare that a trailer gets that far down the page without me at least clicking it and going to the next page to see what the cast consists of but because of the Super Bowl ( :'( ), they have been posting all the big game spots and in no apparent order.
So basically, I was intrigued by the fact that this has managed to sneak past my radar. Especially because I was on it last night for hours watching the Bourne Legacy trailer over and over. All of these thoughts zoomed through my head in basically a millisecond as I read the title which led me to my second series of thoughts.
Now I'll be the first to say that I have a serious case of ADD that was never addressed when I was younger. It is very rare that I can put two coherent thoughts together and often times forget how a sentence started when I'm reading or writing. More so when reading though. The only times I can actually get anything done are when I do them extremely fast late at night without thinking too much or being distracted, or if I have a deadline that absolutely forces me to focus.
See, I just digressed for no apparent reason. A lot of this is why I write long-winded things to describe one singular thought in my head. At least it's somewhat entertaining trying to read the swirl of chaos that fills my brain on a minute to minute basis.
I digressed again. What I'm trying to say is that the first thought that popped into my head after I really thought about the title Friends With Kids was, "Please make this movie be a comedy biopic of Jerry Sandusky." Not that you ever could make a comedy movie about the monster that is Jerry Sandusky, or that you should ever think molestation is in any way funny, you have to admit in a strange, farcical world, the idea of this is funny. Fortunately nobody like me exists in this world so we can be thankful that a heartwarming comedy biopic about Jerry Sandusky probably wont ever exist.
However I would not be the least bit surprised if they made a movie about him and painted him out to be the victim. Some people really love that twisted shit and it would be seen as "artistic" and "eye-opening". A lot of asshole-y, pretentious, self proclaimed "artistic" people live off of weird. I guarantee some people would see it as daring and different, as opposed to how they should see it, which is not at all. If you don't believe me that people would see a movie like this just watch this clip from the 1998 film Happiness. Warning, the clip is very fucked up, and is about a man talking to his son about fucking kids and what not. The whole movie is about pedophilia, suicide, murder, masturbation, and you get the idea. The screenplay for this movie was actually nominated for best screenplay at the Golden Globes.
So now you get what I mean when I say that people really do like this kind of fucked up shit. Same goes for Gus Van Sant's Elephant, which is about a school shooting by kids who seem normal but are victims of society. I'm sorry but a movie that tries to point out that society has made us violent, only gives us more ideas. It's a good thing that nobody sees your movies anyway, Gus (other than Good Will Hunting).
So that is where my brain went for the first two seconds before I clicked on the thumbnail for the Friends With Kids trailer. When I saw the cast I realized that it was a comedy and got pretty excited because Jon Hamm, Kristin Wiig, Adam Scott, and other great comedic actors filled the cast and it has promise to be a good indie-ish type comedy. The trailer didn't make me laugh really that much, but I still look forward to it.
Still, when I first read that title my mind went from thinking about the fact that I hadn't seen the trailer and it was far down a page that I visit frequently, the name of the movie made me think of a Jerry Sandusky movie, and how some people would actually enjoy a movie about Jerry Sandusky. I like sad/depressing movies, but lets stop making movies that make everyone uncomfortable. If I'm uncomfortable thinking about the topic in general, and can't really comprehend it, it's probably because I don't want to think about it, and don't really want to comprehend it. Just because some people have the ability to empathize with pedophiles, doesn't mean I have to.
I don't really know why I wrote this, or why I'm still awake, but sometimes you've just got to blog about pointless shit.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Movies in 2011: Movies That I Couldn't Give a Fuck About
Part 2 of my six part analysis of film in 2011 is "Movies that I couldn't give a fuck about."
I felt that it was important to touch on this because I am extremely disappointed with nearly all aspects of film this past year outside of comedy. There just really wasn't much that struck a chord with me and got my insides feeling warm and fuzzy. Not that I really expect films to actually alter the way my organs function, but you know what I mean.
This year had it's moments but it had a much larger array of shit that I genuinely don't give a shit about, than in most recent years.
You may be thinking how is this any different than "disappointments and disgraces" and it's a valid question. At the same time they aren't at all the same thing so just keep reading and what I write will answer your questions.
The Green's: Green Lantern & Green Hornet
I had relatively high expectations for Green Hornet, considering it was co-written by Seth Rogen and directed by Gondry. The problem was it was a movie that I immediately forgot about. I should've remembered that it came out in January and movies generally blow in that month (except for this year so far [The Grey and Haywire are fantastic]).
No matter how hot Blake Lively is, I knew better than to see Green Lantern. I'm just better than that.
Captain America
I will start by saying that a lot of people really liked this movie. I will finish with the fact that I literally slept through 60% of it and didn't feel like I missed a minute...
Twilight 4.1
Oh cool, the Twilight franchise decided to split their last book in half to milk their last vestige of money for every bit of it's worth. Lets take a stupid and short piece of shit novel and split it in two so we can make more asshole money off of asshole people.
If I actually cared about the Twilight franchise or vampires in general I would've downloaded that shit because they are literally just digging into your pockets and robbing you of your dignity and making fun of you at the same time. PJ (Peter Jackson) managed to condense the three epic fantasy novels that make up the Lord of the Rings franchise, and turn them into incredible films. The dicks who've been adapting the Twilight series can't manage to put together a lucid thought, let alone a decent film out of their teenie-bopper-bullshit novels.
Sure Peter Jackson is taking The Hobbit and turning it into two movies, but Peter Jackson is better than anyone involved with Twilight, and that's just a scientific fact.
Hall Pass
Jesus Christ... Stop Farrelly Bros... Just fucking stop doing this and put every bit of shitty brain power you have left into making sure that the Dumb & Dumber sequel doesn't destroy my chances of happiness.
Harry Potter 7.1
The 7th installment of Harry Potter.... Another book that they saw fit to split in half for the film adaptation to milk more money out of the audiences, was well received by everyone. All the Harry Potter flicks have been generally well enjoyed by everyone, including me. The main problem is that I just don't care about years of school that are exactly the same. Why couldn't Harry have just had a fucking normal School year where he worried more about his classroom erections, acne, body odor, hair, or anything normal that fucking high schooler's deal with. Sure he goes to some school that focuses on the craft of wizardry, but he still was a teenager. Yeah he has trouble talking to girls, but who cares? At my school several people got pregnant well before they graduated from high school. Where was that in Hogwarts?
Over time the whole idea of Harry Potter just became muffled and boring. In most of the books he faces off with some version of he who must not be spoken (Voldermort for all you non-pussies) at the end . Each time he had to face a certain set of stupid boundaries and solve some stupid puzzle because people continually (and conveniently) held information out so he wouldn't learn everything all at once. The formula of the story was basically the same every year, but instead of finals, Harry had to save the entire school and civilization every year instead.
I saw every year up until Harry's final year (Both asshole Deadly Hallows flicks), but I just don't feel compelled to see the last two movies. I guess I'd rather just bitch over trivial and pointless things that annoy me to you on the internet.
Your Highness
I had relatively high expectations for this, due to the fact that they red-band trailer was hilarious, and the cast was stellar. Then I saw it and barely managed to force laughs even though I was drunk. If I'm drunk and literally working to laugh at a movie, then it's not funny.
I guess you could make an argument that I am disappointed by this movie because I was genuinely disappointed at the time. The reason I kept it out of that category was because I completely forgot this movie existed until I looked back at a list of flicks that came out in 2011. I cared so little about it that I literally forgot it existed. What I don't forget when looking back at it now is Natalie Portman's glorious ass in a thong during one scene. The unfortunate part of that, is that you can just watch the red-band trailer and get the same image and literally see every funny second of the movie.
Sucker Punch
If there's one thing I like, it's attractive women holding dangerous weapons. This movie had a bevy of exactly what I just explained yet it managed to hold 0% of my interest. Sure Zack Snyder knows how to make things look cool, but he is pretty terrible at making anything worth watching. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie without leaving the room to continue on with my life.
300 sucked. There I said it.
Transformers 3
Stop giving Michael Bay movies any money. You could spend that 10-17 dollars on something worthwhile. Like a length of rope to hang yourself, or a bullet to put into your brain. The man has literally thrown mindless drivel at a screen and turned the volume up really loud to make millions upon millions of dollars. If you give him money then you support the death of storytelling.
I knew the world was ending soon when a fellow classmate at Hartford exclaimed that his favorite director is Michael Bay. This same student also tried to make a point that a classic movie from the 1930's that we were watching in class wouldn't stand the test of time... If you want to see a movie with great action that has some actual intelligence, watch a Nolan flick, or catch the latest Mission Impossible.
New Years Eve
You will never make a rom-com with many interrelated love stories that is nearly as good as Love Actually. Just fucking stop trying. No matter what Hollywood talent you throw at it, it will be a waste of everyone's time and money.
Conan the Barbarian... In 3D....
There are various reasons that this doesn't work. All of them being that Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't in it.
At least with the newest Total Recall, they've got Bryan Cranston as Vilos Cohaagen. That is the only thing that gives that flick some promise. Still it will never match up to the Scwarzenegger classic. How could it?
The Help
I'm sure this movie is very good. I know that if I sat down and watched it that I would enjoy it. The problem with it is, that I have absolutely no interest in seeing it. The only bit of interest I would've had for it was lost when they made Emma Stone look ugly. I'm sure the performances are riveting, but in the end the subject matter bores me. I guess in the end, maybe I'm just sexist and racist.
The Artist
This is another movie I'm sure is fantastic. The problem with it is, I can't stay awake during a silent film. It's literally impossible. I slept through every silent film they screened when I was in film school, well in reality it I slept during every movie we screened, but I slept especially hard when it was a silent movie. I'm sure the music is great, and the acting superb, but I just don't care. Again it doesn't really have anything that hooks me in as an audience member. I'm sorry but nobody's skirt gets blown up when they hear "black & white" teemed with "silent film". In fact you'll find that in most cases, that people will tend to steer clear of those options. That is why I'm boycotting this movie at least until after the Oscars. I want to be bitter when it wins best picture because it probably will.
Abduction
Hahahahaha. Women are stupid.
I felt that it was important to touch on this because I am extremely disappointed with nearly all aspects of film this past year outside of comedy. There just really wasn't much that struck a chord with me and got my insides feeling warm and fuzzy. Not that I really expect films to actually alter the way my organs function, but you know what I mean.
This year had it's moments but it had a much larger array of shit that I genuinely don't give a shit about, than in most recent years.
You may be thinking how is this any different than "disappointments and disgraces" and it's a valid question. At the same time they aren't at all the same thing so just keep reading and what I write will answer your questions.
The Green's: Green Lantern & Green Hornet
I had relatively high expectations for Green Hornet, considering it was co-written by Seth Rogen and directed by Gondry. The problem was it was a movie that I immediately forgot about. I should've remembered that it came out in January and movies generally blow in that month (except for this year so far [The Grey and Haywire are fantastic]).
No matter how hot Blake Lively is, I knew better than to see Green Lantern. I'm just better than that.
Captain America
I will start by saying that a lot of people really liked this movie. I will finish with the fact that I literally slept through 60% of it and didn't feel like I missed a minute...
Twilight 4.1
Oh cool, the Twilight franchise decided to split their last book in half to milk their last vestige of money for every bit of it's worth. Lets take a stupid and short piece of shit novel and split it in two so we can make more asshole money off of asshole people.
If I actually cared about the Twilight franchise or vampires in general I would've downloaded that shit because they are literally just digging into your pockets and robbing you of your dignity and making fun of you at the same time. PJ (Peter Jackson) managed to condense the three epic fantasy novels that make up the Lord of the Rings franchise, and turn them into incredible films. The dicks who've been adapting the Twilight series can't manage to put together a lucid thought, let alone a decent film out of their teenie-bopper-bullshit novels.
Sure Peter Jackson is taking The Hobbit and turning it into two movies, but Peter Jackson is better than anyone involved with Twilight, and that's just a scientific fact.
Hall Pass
Jesus Christ... Stop Farrelly Bros... Just fucking stop doing this and put every bit of shitty brain power you have left into making sure that the Dumb & Dumber sequel doesn't destroy my chances of happiness.
Harry Potter 7.1
The 7th installment of Harry Potter.... Another book that they saw fit to split in half for the film adaptation to milk more money out of the audiences, was well received by everyone. All the Harry Potter flicks have been generally well enjoyed by everyone, including me. The main problem is that I just don't care about years of school that are exactly the same. Why couldn't Harry have just had a fucking normal School year where he worried more about his classroom erections, acne, body odor, hair, or anything normal that fucking high schooler's deal with. Sure he goes to some school that focuses on the craft of wizardry, but he still was a teenager. Yeah he has trouble talking to girls, but who cares? At my school several people got pregnant well before they graduated from high school. Where was that in Hogwarts?
Over time the whole idea of Harry Potter just became muffled and boring. In most of the books he faces off with some version of he who must not be spoken (Voldermort for all you non-pussies) at the end . Each time he had to face a certain set of stupid boundaries and solve some stupid puzzle because people continually (and conveniently) held information out so he wouldn't learn everything all at once. The formula of the story was basically the same every year, but instead of finals, Harry had to save the entire school and civilization every year instead.
I saw every year up until Harry's final year (Both asshole Deadly Hallows flicks), but I just don't feel compelled to see the last two movies. I guess I'd rather just bitch over trivial and pointless things that annoy me to you on the internet.
Your Highness
I had relatively high expectations for this, due to the fact that they red-band trailer was hilarious, and the cast was stellar. Then I saw it and barely managed to force laughs even though I was drunk. If I'm drunk and literally working to laugh at a movie, then it's not funny.
I guess you could make an argument that I am disappointed by this movie because I was genuinely disappointed at the time. The reason I kept it out of that category was because I completely forgot this movie existed until I looked back at a list of flicks that came out in 2011. I cared so little about it that I literally forgot it existed. What I don't forget when looking back at it now is Natalie Portman's glorious ass in a thong during one scene. The unfortunate part of that, is that you can just watch the red-band trailer and get the same image and literally see every funny second of the movie.
Sucker Punch
If there's one thing I like, it's attractive women holding dangerous weapons. This movie had a bevy of exactly what I just explained yet it managed to hold 0% of my interest. Sure Zack Snyder knows how to make things look cool, but he is pretty terrible at making anything worth watching. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie without leaving the room to continue on with my life.
300 sucked. There I said it.
Transformers 3
Stop giving Michael Bay movies any money. You could spend that 10-17 dollars on something worthwhile. Like a length of rope to hang yourself, or a bullet to put into your brain. The man has literally thrown mindless drivel at a screen and turned the volume up really loud to make millions upon millions of dollars. If you give him money then you support the death of storytelling.
I knew the world was ending soon when a fellow classmate at Hartford exclaimed that his favorite director is Michael Bay. This same student also tried to make a point that a classic movie from the 1930's that we were watching in class wouldn't stand the test of time... If you want to see a movie with great action that has some actual intelligence, watch a Nolan flick, or catch the latest Mission Impossible.
New Years Eve
You will never make a rom-com with many interrelated love stories that is nearly as good as Love Actually. Just fucking stop trying. No matter what Hollywood talent you throw at it, it will be a waste of everyone's time and money.
Conan the Barbarian... In 3D....
There are various reasons that this doesn't work. All of them being that Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't in it.
At least with the newest Total Recall, they've got Bryan Cranston as Vilos Cohaagen. That is the only thing that gives that flick some promise. Still it will never match up to the Scwarzenegger classic. How could it?
The Help
I'm sure this movie is very good. I know that if I sat down and watched it that I would enjoy it. The problem with it is, that I have absolutely no interest in seeing it. The only bit of interest I would've had for it was lost when they made Emma Stone look ugly. I'm sure the performances are riveting, but in the end the subject matter bores me. I guess in the end, maybe I'm just sexist and racist.
The Artist
This is another movie I'm sure is fantastic. The problem with it is, I can't stay awake during a silent film. It's literally impossible. I slept through every silent film they screened when I was in film school, well in reality it I slept during every movie we screened, but I slept especially hard when it was a silent movie. I'm sure the music is great, and the acting superb, but I just don't care. Again it doesn't really have anything that hooks me in as an audience member. I'm sorry but nobody's skirt gets blown up when they hear "black & white" teemed with "silent film". In fact you'll find that in most cases, that people will tend to steer clear of those options. That is why I'm boycotting this movie at least until after the Oscars. I want to be bitter when it wins best picture because it probably will.
Abduction
Hahahahaha. Women are stupid.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Movies in 2011: Disappointments and Disgraces
"Disappointments and disgraces" is the title of the first of six different categories that I will be discussing in reference to the "2011" year in film. I was going to write one very long and extensive analysis but I realized it would be way too long and that it would be best if it is broken up into smaller pieces. Each article will reveal a little more of my thoughts on the year, and will eventually lead up to my final top 10 of the year. I will also do a shorter series detailing my analysis of the year in television.
I felt like it would be best to start out with Disappointments and Disgraces because my best writing involves pure unadulterated hatred, and it is usually more entertaining for the readers as well.
So here goes.
Adam Sandler: Fuck that Guy
If you saw Jack and Jill, and liked it..... Then stop reading this immediately, and never be a part of my life ever again. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, wait... Actually no, I'm being the exact amount of harsh I should be. I plainly don't respect you and don't want you to be a part of my life.
Sure maybe I haven't seen it, but that is because I am of value. How many bad movies is Sandler going to make before we stop handing him millions of dollars every year?? His last moderately decent movie was I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Fairy, and without Jessica Biel's beauty (body [Tits]) that movie would've been gay.
Happy Madison Productions also produced Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and Zookeeper which were lauded as cinematic gems... Did I just say gems? I meant cinematic dogshit. Again, I didn't see these but Bucky Larson got a 0% on rotten tomatoes, and Zookeeper finished with 14%. Jack and Jill walked away with a 3% and Just Go With It got a 19% percent. If you average all four Happy Madison Productions together then you come up with a modest 9% for 2011. Sure, even the Sandler classics weren't highly regarded by critics, but 9%?? I'm not a mathematician, but that's fucking disgraceful.
Sandler used to be one of the premiere names in comedy and many people have shut off their brain not yet realizing that he hasn't really made a decent movie in the last decade. They keep on fueling the monster that is him, and allowing him to put a minimum amount of effort into his work while receiving a sizable profit. Even though his pathetic movies averaged a 9% approval rating by critics, they managed to rake in just under 260 million dollars.
Basically if we can all make a conscious effort in 2012 to stop giving Adam Sandler money, then he won't be able to poison and dumbify our society any more than he already has this past decade.
The Walking Nightmare that is Nic Cage
Despite the shit-storm of an acting resume that he continues to manifest, people continue to give Nicolas Cage leading roles in movies... It's like the producers in Hollywood don't know what to do with their money so they just cover it with honey and shoot it out of a cannon onto a brick wall. Except that weird thing that I just described would actually be somewhat entertaining, and anything Nic Cage is a part of is generally not.
Sure Cage has had some mesmerizing performances, but 95% of his schedule is filled with uttering out mindless drivel within the confines of a terrible action thriller. His movies have become laughable. Of the three released this year, the only one that looked enjoyable enough was Drive Angry, and that was more or less because it was meant to be bad. The movie didn't take itself seriously, so it was the only thing that he made this year that had a shot of being entertaining. Now again, I don't like to give money to anything that's bad, (unless it involves Jason Statham) so I didn't see any of Cage's movies.
The point is that you don't have to. You know what to expect year in and out with this man. Occasionally he'll sneak by a performance that is fantastic but most of his body of work consists of mindless garbage.
Stomach this: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is rumored to have 75 million dollar budget.......
The trailer for that is one of the most terrible things I've ever seen and I don't think it will make anywhere north of 25 million in the box office.
I guess it's not generally Cage's fault that these movies are bad, but he doesn't make them any better either. I don't know if it's out of stubbornness, or just stupidity, but Hollywood execs keep giving him the chance, and they keep producing these god awful films. If they have enough money to do it, then more power to them I guess. If they were smart they'd give me money and actual good things would happen, but who said anyone in Hollywood is smart?
Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Shoot And My Week With Marilyn
There are various comparisons you could make between Lindsay Lohan and Marilyn Monroe. Both were young Hollywood starlets, both struggle(d) with problems of addiction, and the first letter of both of their first names, is the first letter of their last names. The problem I have when comparing them is that Marilyn Monroe was literally the most famous woman in the world. She remains an icon, and was ogled by men all over the world. Her charm led her to be the star of various classic films and there was no one ever like her before.
Whereas Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, and that's about it. For some reason though, Playboy decided it would be a good idea for her to do a tribute photo shoot to Marilyn Monroe. Why I don't know. First of all, I don't really care about seeing Lindsay Lohan naked. If I want to see a naked drug addict psychopath, then I would go to the Gold Club in Groton CT to see them in person. It's just a ploy to keep her somewhat relevant in our lives even though her tumultuous lifestyle has driven her reputation and career into the dirt.
I have friends on Twitter and Facebook who were excited when they heard that she was going to be naked and my first thought was "why?" Why on earth is anyone actually excited about that? All that means is we get to see some airbrushed coke-head titties. It's sad to say this but Playboy, you're better than Lindsay Lohan.
My Week With Marilyn, was overall in my opinion, a disappointment. It tried to do several things but all it did was just fall short. While it did display just how warped Marilyn Monroe's mind was and helped me understand how people were just drawn to her presence, it just didn't have anything of direct value. It felt shallow, and devoid of purpose. It was more just a portrait displaying how fucked up she is and why she may have turned out that way.
Still no matter how drugged up or insane she was it didn't matter to the main character who wanted to touch her tenderly with his penis. Even after she breaks his heart and it appears he has learned his lesson (which is to not fall in love with Marilyn Monroe apparently? Good luck, guy), she walks in at the end to say goodbye and he lights up like a Christmas tree. The movie may been well acted (Michelle Williams definitely deserves a nomination), but it just doesn't have a point.
Super 8 and Bad Movie Projectionists
I've never liked JJ Abrams. His obnoxious lens-flare style has bothered me from the start and the closest I've come to enjoying one of his films was Mission Impossible III.
Star Trek sucked. There, I said it.
Still for whatever reason I had really high expectations for this one. I thought it was finally going to be the movie that changed the way I felt about his movies. The critics had all said it was supposed to be an homage to the early Spielberg Sci-Fi films and while it looked like it tried really hard, it just didn't hold up any actual enjoyment for me.
*Spoiler Alert*
First off the movie starts out with the protagonist child sitting on a swing set after his mother passed away in a factory accident. The set up is that he and his father have become distanced after her death and the Dad isn't the best at communicating with his son. Over the course of the movie they grow more distanced and eventually when the Son is going back to save his love interest Elle Fanning from a dumb alien, the Dad goes after him.
It starts to look like the Dad is going to be heroic and they are going to be brought together because the Dad is going to save him. In the end the Dad just shows up, they embrace each other after the kids save the day, and the Alien flies away (lamest Alien ever).
Not much happens in the relationship between the Dad and Son and it might just go back to the way it was before, after the movie is over, but at that moment it looks as if they've grown because the son could finally let go of his mother's necklace.
This movie needed balls. One of the kids should've died at the end or something to make the movie actually seem interesting. Instead it was overly predictable and only reminded me of an early Spielberg Sci-Fi movie because it was set in 1979, not because it was like a Spielberg Sci-Fi movie. Within three or four years I'm sure this lackluster film will be largely forgotten.
One of the reasons this movie left a sour taste in my mouth was partially because half the scenes were so dark I couldn't actually see what was going on. This problem lies squarely on the shoulders of the movie theater I went to and the projectionist who set it up to be watched, not the movie itself.
I read in an article over the summer about a rash of complaints all over the country that the screen on whatever movie they were seeing was too dim. Now because everything is digital now, just about any projector can be converted to 3D to show those meaningless piece of shit action movies that continually come out month after month. What this means is that there needs to be a filter inserted into the projector to make it project in 3D. This filter dims the projection by 50%. If left in the projector on a movie that isn't 3D, the image doesn't look different, it just looks very dark.
With many movies they don't have many dark scenes so it almost goes unnoticed, but a good portion of Super 8 is very dark. I was struggling during several sequences to decipher exactly what I was seeing. I had just read about this and it frustrated me because we paid about 15 dollars to sit in this stupid fucking seats that move when the action sequences are intense, and I couldn't even see what the fuck was going on.
This kind of shit makes me furious. We used extra gas to go to the nicest theater in the southeastern CT area, and we spend extra money on tickets because not only is the theater more expensive, but we're also sitting in these useless sybian-like vibrating chairs, and we can't even see what the fuck is going on. It's not that I feel like I missed all that much of the story. The point is that we went out of our way and spent extra money so we could get the best cinematic experience we could for this movie, and yet they only provide us with a dimly lit version of it because they don't want to take the time to remove the 3D filter.
Apparently the process to remove the filter is extensive and requires several different pass codes to get in and takes about two hours. When I go to a theater to see a movie and spend over ten dollars, fuck over five dollars, I don't care if it takes them 9 hours to change the god damn filter. That's your god damn job.
The industry wonders why people don't go to the movies as much anymore and part of it is because of this shit. Workers being lazy. That's why rich people out on the west coast go to see movies at Arclight Cinemas; home of the 18 dollar weekend prices. A worker actually sits in for the first few minutes of a movie and makes sure that the projection is clear and crisp, and the sound is as well.
I don't see why every movie theater can't provide this kind of performance. It doesn't seem complicated. Even if you're standing in the projection booth, you should be able to see how it looks. How difficult is it to stand there for a preview to measure the quality? If you work in a theater you should know within seconds of viewing if it looks right or not.
I fully understand why people would stay away from going to the movies if they don't have a good experience. It's just not worth it to spend over ten dollars to see a shitty movie that you can watch in HD four months later in the comfort of your own home. Hopefully in the near future all theaters will learn to fix these problems so the shitty movies we see, won't be as shitty as we think they are.
Killer Elite
I just really hoped this movie would be better.
I felt like it would be best to start out with Disappointments and Disgraces because my best writing involves pure unadulterated hatred, and it is usually more entertaining for the readers as well.
So here goes.
Adam Sandler: Fuck that Guy
If you saw Jack and Jill, and liked it..... Then stop reading this immediately, and never be a part of my life ever again. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, wait... Actually no, I'm being the exact amount of harsh I should be. I plainly don't respect you and don't want you to be a part of my life.
Sure maybe I haven't seen it, but that is because I am of value. How many bad movies is Sandler going to make before we stop handing him millions of dollars every year?? His last moderately decent movie was I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Fairy, and without Jessica Biel's beauty (body [Tits]) that movie would've been gay.
Happy Madison Productions also produced Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and Zookeeper which were lauded as cinematic gems... Did I just say gems? I meant cinematic dogshit. Again, I didn't see these but Bucky Larson got a 0% on rotten tomatoes, and Zookeeper finished with 14%. Jack and Jill walked away with a 3% and Just Go With It got a 19% percent. If you average all four Happy Madison Productions together then you come up with a modest 9% for 2011. Sure, even the Sandler classics weren't highly regarded by critics, but 9%?? I'm not a mathematician, but that's fucking disgraceful.
Sandler used to be one of the premiere names in comedy and many people have shut off their brain not yet realizing that he hasn't really made a decent movie in the last decade. They keep on fueling the monster that is him, and allowing him to put a minimum amount of effort into his work while receiving a sizable profit. Even though his pathetic movies averaged a 9% approval rating by critics, they managed to rake in just under 260 million dollars.
Basically if we can all make a conscious effort in 2012 to stop giving Adam Sandler money, then he won't be able to poison and dumbify our society any more than he already has this past decade.
The Walking Nightmare that is Nic Cage
Despite the shit-storm of an acting resume that he continues to manifest, people continue to give Nicolas Cage leading roles in movies... It's like the producers in Hollywood don't know what to do with their money so they just cover it with honey and shoot it out of a cannon onto a brick wall. Except that weird thing that I just described would actually be somewhat entertaining, and anything Nic Cage is a part of is generally not.
Sure Cage has had some mesmerizing performances, but 95% of his schedule is filled with uttering out mindless drivel within the confines of a terrible action thriller. His movies have become laughable. Of the three released this year, the only one that looked enjoyable enough was Drive Angry, and that was more or less because it was meant to be bad. The movie didn't take itself seriously, so it was the only thing that he made this year that had a shot of being entertaining. Now again, I don't like to give money to anything that's bad, (unless it involves Jason Statham) so I didn't see any of Cage's movies.
The point is that you don't have to. You know what to expect year in and out with this man. Occasionally he'll sneak by a performance that is fantastic but most of his body of work consists of mindless garbage.
Stomach this: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is rumored to have 75 million dollar budget.......
The trailer for that is one of the most terrible things I've ever seen and I don't think it will make anywhere north of 25 million in the box office.
I guess it's not generally Cage's fault that these movies are bad, but he doesn't make them any better either. I don't know if it's out of stubbornness, or just stupidity, but Hollywood execs keep giving him the chance, and they keep producing these god awful films. If they have enough money to do it, then more power to them I guess. If they were smart they'd give me money and actual good things would happen, but who said anyone in Hollywood is smart?
Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Shoot And My Week With Marilyn
There are various comparisons you could make between Lindsay Lohan and Marilyn Monroe. Both were young Hollywood starlets, both struggle(d) with problems of addiction, and the first letter of both of their first names, is the first letter of their last names. The problem I have when comparing them is that Marilyn Monroe was literally the most famous woman in the world. She remains an icon, and was ogled by men all over the world. Her charm led her to be the star of various classic films and there was no one ever like her before.
Whereas Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, and that's about it. For some reason though, Playboy decided it would be a good idea for her to do a tribute photo shoot to Marilyn Monroe. Why I don't know. First of all, I don't really care about seeing Lindsay Lohan naked. If I want to see a naked drug addict psychopath, then I would go to the Gold Club in Groton CT to see them in person. It's just a ploy to keep her somewhat relevant in our lives even though her tumultuous lifestyle has driven her reputation and career into the dirt.
I have friends on Twitter and Facebook who were excited when they heard that she was going to be naked and my first thought was "why?" Why on earth is anyone actually excited about that? All that means is we get to see some airbrushed coke-head titties. It's sad to say this but Playboy, you're better than Lindsay Lohan.
My Week With Marilyn, was overall in my opinion, a disappointment. It tried to do several things but all it did was just fall short. While it did display just how warped Marilyn Monroe's mind was and helped me understand how people were just drawn to her presence, it just didn't have anything of direct value. It felt shallow, and devoid of purpose. It was more just a portrait displaying how fucked up she is and why she may have turned out that way.
Still no matter how drugged up or insane she was it didn't matter to the main character who wanted to touch her tenderly with his penis. Even after she breaks his heart and it appears he has learned his lesson (which is to not fall in love with Marilyn Monroe apparently? Good luck, guy), she walks in at the end to say goodbye and he lights up like a Christmas tree. The movie may been well acted (Michelle Williams definitely deserves a nomination), but it just doesn't have a point.
Super 8 and Bad Movie Projectionists
I've never liked JJ Abrams. His obnoxious lens-flare style has bothered me from the start and the closest I've come to enjoying one of his films was Mission Impossible III.
Star Trek sucked. There, I said it.
Still for whatever reason I had really high expectations for this one. I thought it was finally going to be the movie that changed the way I felt about his movies. The critics had all said it was supposed to be an homage to the early Spielberg Sci-Fi films and while it looked like it tried really hard, it just didn't hold up any actual enjoyment for me.
*Spoiler Alert*
First off the movie starts out with the protagonist child sitting on a swing set after his mother passed away in a factory accident. The set up is that he and his father have become distanced after her death and the Dad isn't the best at communicating with his son. Over the course of the movie they grow more distanced and eventually when the Son is going back to save his love interest Elle Fanning from a dumb alien, the Dad goes after him.
It starts to look like the Dad is going to be heroic and they are going to be brought together because the Dad is going to save him. In the end the Dad just shows up, they embrace each other after the kids save the day, and the Alien flies away (lamest Alien ever).
Not much happens in the relationship between the Dad and Son and it might just go back to the way it was before, after the movie is over, but at that moment it looks as if they've grown because the son could finally let go of his mother's necklace.
This movie needed balls. One of the kids should've died at the end or something to make the movie actually seem interesting. Instead it was overly predictable and only reminded me of an early Spielberg Sci-Fi movie because it was set in 1979, not because it was like a Spielberg Sci-Fi movie. Within three or four years I'm sure this lackluster film will be largely forgotten.
One of the reasons this movie left a sour taste in my mouth was partially because half the scenes were so dark I couldn't actually see what was going on. This problem lies squarely on the shoulders of the movie theater I went to and the projectionist who set it up to be watched, not the movie itself.
I read in an article over the summer about a rash of complaints all over the country that the screen on whatever movie they were seeing was too dim. Now because everything is digital now, just about any projector can be converted to 3D to show those meaningless piece of shit action movies that continually come out month after month. What this means is that there needs to be a filter inserted into the projector to make it project in 3D. This filter dims the projection by 50%. If left in the projector on a movie that isn't 3D, the image doesn't look different, it just looks very dark.
With many movies they don't have many dark scenes so it almost goes unnoticed, but a good portion of Super 8 is very dark. I was struggling during several sequences to decipher exactly what I was seeing. I had just read about this and it frustrated me because we paid about 15 dollars to sit in this stupid fucking seats that move when the action sequences are intense, and I couldn't even see what the fuck was going on.
This kind of shit makes me furious. We used extra gas to go to the nicest theater in the southeastern CT area, and we spend extra money on tickets because not only is the theater more expensive, but we're also sitting in these useless sybian-like vibrating chairs, and we can't even see what the fuck is going on. It's not that I feel like I missed all that much of the story. The point is that we went out of our way and spent extra money so we could get the best cinematic experience we could for this movie, and yet they only provide us with a dimly lit version of it because they don't want to take the time to remove the 3D filter.
Apparently the process to remove the filter is extensive and requires several different pass codes to get in and takes about two hours. When I go to a theater to see a movie and spend over ten dollars, fuck over five dollars, I don't care if it takes them 9 hours to change the god damn filter. That's your god damn job.
The industry wonders why people don't go to the movies as much anymore and part of it is because of this shit. Workers being lazy. That's why rich people out on the west coast go to see movies at Arclight Cinemas; home of the 18 dollar weekend prices. A worker actually sits in for the first few minutes of a movie and makes sure that the projection is clear and crisp, and the sound is as well.
I don't see why every movie theater can't provide this kind of performance. It doesn't seem complicated. Even if you're standing in the projection booth, you should be able to see how it looks. How difficult is it to stand there for a preview to measure the quality? If you work in a theater you should know within seconds of viewing if it looks right or not.
I fully understand why people would stay away from going to the movies if they don't have a good experience. It's just not worth it to spend over ten dollars to see a shitty movie that you can watch in HD four months later in the comfort of your own home. Hopefully in the near future all theaters will learn to fix these problems so the shitty movies we see, won't be as shitty as we think they are.
Killer Elite
I just really hoped this movie would be better.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
A Blog For You, By Me
I'm back.
I haven't posted since mid July because my life has been a whirlwind of lunacy, partying, and new beginnings. Being my last summer at home I wanted to go out with a bang and I did just that. Problem was this hindered my ability to keep on writing and establishing myself as your favorite blog writer as I should be.
I thought that now would be a good time to start incorporating the people in my posts with requests so I put out a status late last night asking people what they thought I should touch upon.
If I don't touch on your ideas don't take it personal, I probably just got sick of writing before I got there.
First off Madonna at the Super Bowl. You can go to thesportshit.com for my thoughts on that because I will write an in-depth analysis on that decision.
Blackholes and Flubber:
These two words put together in that way scare the hell out of me. All I could think of was Robin Williams putting flubber on his shoes to dunk and getting launched clear into space and going through a black hole. There is no scientific evidence to prove this could happen, but there also isn't any evidence to support that it couldn't either.
Jews and Poor People:
There are a lot of Jews and a lot of poor people in this world. Although most of the poor people aren't Jewish. In fact I'd be willing to wager that less than 1 % of poor people are Jewish. It's scientifically proven that Jewish people are better at handling money.
Adam McQuaid's Mullet:
Adam McQuaid may be Canadian, but his mullet represents freedom and embodies American Patriotism. He grows it for himself and everyone likes it so much that charities get thousands of dollars when he cuts it off. It's good for everyone.
The Purpose of the Top Seat on a Toilet:
This is where I'll probably spend most of my time because at one point or another we've all probably questioned the logic of having one of these top seats because bathrooms are a part of our every day lives, unless we're hippies, homeless people, or we live in India. The entire country of India is a toilet, and that's not even an insult, that's just the reality.
Nothing about a toilet is pretty. All of the grotesque acts that take place in a toilet like vomiting and shitting make it the most disgusting place in the home. Even if it is spotless and cleaned a thousand times over it still carries the thought that someone has destroyed it in the past. Like the episode of Seinfeld where he drops his girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet and she brushes her teeth. In his mind she has been forever tainted by the toilet, in the way toilets are tainted. Effectively he sees her mouth as a toilet and nothing can ever change that, much in the way we can never change the way we view toilets.
A top seat protects our eyes from looking into the toilet bowl which we view as the most disgusting part of a toilet. Looking at that stagnant and lifeless water, which may have been in the toilet for days just sitting there building a film. It's not something we need to see, so if we have the top seat it kind of lets us forget the all the terrifying things that happen in the bottom of the bowl.
The top seat also provides a place to sit down if in the bathroom and in need of a place to sit down. Say you work on your feet all day and just want to sit down when you brush your teeth. Well there it is, your top seat so you can sit and be comfortable that a naked ass probably hasn't sat on it.
Also if you're going to blow coke off the back of a toilet then you have a place to rest your knee comfortably.
My Cats:
I don't have cats, but I humor the idea of cats. Cats exist and people like them. I'm not one of those people who likes them though.
Steven Hawking:
The man is definitely smarter than me, but I can kick his ass at any physical sport. Every time I would score on him I would definitely taunt him by saying "Not so smart now, are ya?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that's all you guys had for me basically. Another day I will try and touch on the cultural juxtaposition of the post-soviet regimes within the different political factions- but until then if you have any more ideas or are anxious to hear my opinions on certain things, fire em' to me and I'll give you something good.
Kobe Bryant raped that girl.
I haven't posted since mid July because my life has been a whirlwind of lunacy, partying, and new beginnings. Being my last summer at home I wanted to go out with a bang and I did just that. Problem was this hindered my ability to keep on writing and establishing myself as your favorite blog writer as I should be.
I thought that now would be a good time to start incorporating the people in my posts with requests so I put out a status late last night asking people what they thought I should touch upon.
If I don't touch on your ideas don't take it personal, I probably just got sick of writing before I got there.
First off Madonna at the Super Bowl. You can go to thesportshit.com for my thoughts on that because I will write an in-depth analysis on that decision.
Blackholes and Flubber:
These two words put together in that way scare the hell out of me. All I could think of was Robin Williams putting flubber on his shoes to dunk and getting launched clear into space and going through a black hole. There is no scientific evidence to prove this could happen, but there also isn't any evidence to support that it couldn't either.
Jews and Poor People:
There are a lot of Jews and a lot of poor people in this world. Although most of the poor people aren't Jewish. In fact I'd be willing to wager that less than 1 % of poor people are Jewish. It's scientifically proven that Jewish people are better at handling money.
Adam McQuaid's Mullet:
Adam McQuaid may be Canadian, but his mullet represents freedom and embodies American Patriotism. He grows it for himself and everyone likes it so much that charities get thousands of dollars when he cuts it off. It's good for everyone.
The Purpose of the Top Seat on a Toilet:
This is where I'll probably spend most of my time because at one point or another we've all probably questioned the logic of having one of these top seats because bathrooms are a part of our every day lives, unless we're hippies, homeless people, or we live in India. The entire country of India is a toilet, and that's not even an insult, that's just the reality.
Nothing about a toilet is pretty. All of the grotesque acts that take place in a toilet like vomiting and shitting make it the most disgusting place in the home. Even if it is spotless and cleaned a thousand times over it still carries the thought that someone has destroyed it in the past. Like the episode of Seinfeld where he drops his girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet and she brushes her teeth. In his mind she has been forever tainted by the toilet, in the way toilets are tainted. Effectively he sees her mouth as a toilet and nothing can ever change that, much in the way we can never change the way we view toilets.
A top seat protects our eyes from looking into the toilet bowl which we view as the most disgusting part of a toilet. Looking at that stagnant and lifeless water, which may have been in the toilet for days just sitting there building a film. It's not something we need to see, so if we have the top seat it kind of lets us forget the all the terrifying things that happen in the bottom of the bowl.
The top seat also provides a place to sit down if in the bathroom and in need of a place to sit down. Say you work on your feet all day and just want to sit down when you brush your teeth. Well there it is, your top seat so you can sit and be comfortable that a naked ass probably hasn't sat on it.
Also if you're going to blow coke off the back of a toilet then you have a place to rest your knee comfortably.
My Cats:
I don't have cats, but I humor the idea of cats. Cats exist and people like them. I'm not one of those people who likes them though.
Steven Hawking:
The man is definitely smarter than me, but I can kick his ass at any physical sport. Every time I would score on him I would definitely taunt him by saying "Not so smart now, are ya?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that's all you guys had for me basically. Another day I will try and touch on the cultural juxtaposition of the post-soviet regimes within the different political factions- but until then if you have any more ideas or are anxious to hear my opinions on certain things, fire em' to me and I'll give you something good.
Kobe Bryant raped that girl.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Respirator Fit (Shit) Testing
This morning I am feeling extra vulgar. Most mornings I am very vulgar in general(mornings, afternoons, nights), but the last two mornings I have been exceedingly high levels. Why may you ask? Well I have been working for Mystic Air Quality (my father's company) doing respirator fit testing at Backus Hospital and I've had to wake up at 4 am the last two days to work long, miserably boring days, fitting hundreds of rude and disgruntled assholes with respirators.
So far in the last two hours since I've been here, the only productive things I've done are fit test two people (one lovely woman, one ravenous whore), and pick my wedgie several times. Now to people who actually do work and have to wake up early in the morning this may not seem like a difficult task. For me to wake up, it's about an hour long process if me rolling around in my bed and holding onto every single second I can manage in that bed. As soon as my feet touch the floor it's all over and I'm infinitely unhappy.
For example yesterday I woke up before my alarms at 345 and realized it was pointless to even tack on any extra minutes of sleep because that would probably just multiply my tiredness. So I just laid there, staring blankly at my computer screen and routinely silencing my alarms until literally 5. I didn't even have enough time to shave before I came to work because I was so hesitant to start my day. This right here is the pinnacle of my laziness shown through the lack understanding productivity.
Basically I just rambled on for three paragraphs trying to articulate how much I hate the morning but I still feel like I haven't gotten the point across. You know how much Hitler hated the Jews? That example may be in poor taste, but that's how much I fucking hate the morning.
Hopefully you catch my drift now. But the real fuck of it is when it comes to these fit tests, that I have the most absurd hours ever. Yesterday it wasn't just that my day started at 6 am, it was that it went until 5 pm. That's 11 hours, with a measly 1 hour lunch break which due to having to clean up and set up in different rooms of the hospital usually only amounts to about a 30 minute break to somehow leave the hospital get food and get back to start again. This means often times I have to resort to fast food most days which I don't much enjoy. If I didn't feel dirty enough eating at McDonald's, I definitely fucking do after standing in line with five different freakshows who reek of psychic readings, adult toy stores and teenage pregnancy.
Today my shift is an 8 hour one that only goes to 3 pm thankfully, but my shift for Friday starts at Midnight, and goes until 4 am.... So I'll be lucky to get a nap in this afternoon and I'll be getting off work tomorrow when I got up this morning.... Weird.
Maybe I haven't been clear enough about what respirator fit testing is to this point but every employee has to be tested to know how to wear a respirator, which are small uncomfortable masks that protect people from getting contaminated with tuberculosis. To do the tests, after they put the masks on I have to put a hood over their head that looks like a mixture of a KKK hood and a space helmet, then I spray some shit in the hood called saccrine, which is sweet. If they taste it at all it's either because they don't know how to fit the respirator correctly or they are wearing the wrong size.
The funniest part of the whole test are the assholes we test. Generally the people are pretty pleasant because they realize giving these tests all day is probably worse than doing one test a year. Sometimes though, you get the real shitheads who have a full blown flagpole up there ass, not just a stick and they complain about, well everything. They come in not having done their paperwork, then bitch to us like it's our fault when they are mandated by the hospital and OSHA (Occupational Safety and Heath Administration) to fill out the shit correctly. Basically what it comes down to, is I give no fucks about the fact that you don't have your paperwork filled out, and you can eat a whole box of fuck off if you want to blame me for you not doing your job.
Once they have been medically cleared, these same shitty people who complained about doing it and say they are respirator experts often times have no idea what they hell size they are or how to even put it on. One lady complained saying that she had just done it and it was a waste of time for her. She then proceeded to put her respirator on upside down which really isn't an easy mistake because it's blatantly obvious what side is the top and which side is the bottom.
I said before that today has been rather slow, but the thing is that it is either unbelievably dead, or we have a line of 15 people waiting to get tested. Unfortunately it seems as if everyone plans to come at exactly the same time which makes our lives a lot more difficult because we get inundated with complaints that they have to wait when if they came in maybe an hour later, or earlier they wouldn't wait a second.
Although I just explained all my qualms with this job, I have seen some hilarious things over the past few weeks doing this. One lady I fit tested was rocking a mustache just about as full as mine, with a matching soul patch below her lower lip. I had a smile ear to ear the entire time I was testing her and it was the hardest I've ever had to work at not laughing my ass clear off. Another person I tested was named "Perfecto" and he was a fabulous gay Latin nurse. Basically he was the perfect person to have the name "Perfecto", it just made sense.
That's about all the complaining I can do right now. I guess I'm just not used to working full time because in college I did jack shit everyday and somehow managed not to fail. Now I actually have to do stuff and look professional many hours of the week but I guess I should just be thankful I have a job, no matter how miserable the people are.
So far in the last two hours since I've been here, the only productive things I've done are fit test two people (one lovely woman, one ravenous whore), and pick my wedgie several times. Now to people who actually do work and have to wake up early in the morning this may not seem like a difficult task. For me to wake up, it's about an hour long process if me rolling around in my bed and holding onto every single second I can manage in that bed. As soon as my feet touch the floor it's all over and I'm infinitely unhappy.
For example yesterday I woke up before my alarms at 345 and realized it was pointless to even tack on any extra minutes of sleep because that would probably just multiply my tiredness. So I just laid there, staring blankly at my computer screen and routinely silencing my alarms until literally 5. I didn't even have enough time to shave before I came to work because I was so hesitant to start my day. This right here is the pinnacle of my laziness shown through the lack understanding productivity.
Basically I just rambled on for three paragraphs trying to articulate how much I hate the morning but I still feel like I haven't gotten the point across. You know how much Hitler hated the Jews? That example may be in poor taste, but that's how much I fucking hate the morning.
Hopefully you catch my drift now. But the real fuck of it is when it comes to these fit tests, that I have the most absurd hours ever. Yesterday it wasn't just that my day started at 6 am, it was that it went until 5 pm. That's 11 hours, with a measly 1 hour lunch break which due to having to clean up and set up in different rooms of the hospital usually only amounts to about a 30 minute break to somehow leave the hospital get food and get back to start again. This means often times I have to resort to fast food most days which I don't much enjoy. If I didn't feel dirty enough eating at McDonald's, I definitely fucking do after standing in line with five different freakshows who reek of psychic readings, adult toy stores and teenage pregnancy.
Today my shift is an 8 hour one that only goes to 3 pm thankfully, but my shift for Friday starts at Midnight, and goes until 4 am.... So I'll be lucky to get a nap in this afternoon and I'll be getting off work tomorrow when I got up this morning.... Weird.
Maybe I haven't been clear enough about what respirator fit testing is to this point but every employee has to be tested to know how to wear a respirator, which are small uncomfortable masks that protect people from getting contaminated with tuberculosis. To do the tests, after they put the masks on I have to put a hood over their head that looks like a mixture of a KKK hood and a space helmet, then I spray some shit in the hood called saccrine, which is sweet. If they taste it at all it's either because they don't know how to fit the respirator correctly or they are wearing the wrong size.
The funniest part of the whole test are the assholes we test. Generally the people are pretty pleasant because they realize giving these tests all day is probably worse than doing one test a year. Sometimes though, you get the real shitheads who have a full blown flagpole up there ass, not just a stick and they complain about, well everything. They come in not having done their paperwork, then bitch to us like it's our fault when they are mandated by the hospital and OSHA (Occupational Safety and Heath Administration) to fill out the shit correctly. Basically what it comes down to, is I give no fucks about the fact that you don't have your paperwork filled out, and you can eat a whole box of fuck off if you want to blame me for you not doing your job.
Once they have been medically cleared, these same shitty people who complained about doing it and say they are respirator experts often times have no idea what they hell size they are or how to even put it on. One lady complained saying that she had just done it and it was a waste of time for her. She then proceeded to put her respirator on upside down which really isn't an easy mistake because it's blatantly obvious what side is the top and which side is the bottom.
I said before that today has been rather slow, but the thing is that it is either unbelievably dead, or we have a line of 15 people waiting to get tested. Unfortunately it seems as if everyone plans to come at exactly the same time which makes our lives a lot more difficult because we get inundated with complaints that they have to wait when if they came in maybe an hour later, or earlier they wouldn't wait a second.
Although I just explained all my qualms with this job, I have seen some hilarious things over the past few weeks doing this. One lady I fit tested was rocking a mustache just about as full as mine, with a matching soul patch below her lower lip. I had a smile ear to ear the entire time I was testing her and it was the hardest I've ever had to work at not laughing my ass clear off. Another person I tested was named "Perfecto" and he was a fabulous gay Latin nurse. Basically he was the perfect person to have the name "Perfecto", it just made sense.
That's about all the complaining I can do right now. I guess I'm just not used to working full time because in college I did jack shit everyday and somehow managed not to fail. Now I actually have to do stuff and look professional many hours of the week but I guess I should just be thankful I have a job, no matter how miserable the people are.
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