This morning I am feeling extra vulgar. Most mornings I am very vulgar in general(mornings, afternoons, nights), but the last two mornings I have been exceedingly high levels. Why may you ask? Well I have been working for Mystic Air Quality (my father's company) doing respirator fit testing at Backus Hospital and I've had to wake up at 4 am the last two days to work long, miserably boring days, fitting hundreds of rude and disgruntled assholes with respirators.
So far in the last two hours since I've been here, the only productive things I've done are fit test two people (one lovely woman, one ravenous whore), and pick my wedgie several times. Now to people who actually do work and have to wake up early in the morning this may not seem like a difficult task. For me to wake up, it's about an hour long process if me rolling around in my bed and holding onto every single second I can manage in that bed. As soon as my feet touch the floor it's all over and I'm infinitely unhappy.
For example yesterday I woke up before my alarms at 345 and realized it was pointless to even tack on any extra minutes of sleep because that would probably just multiply my tiredness. So I just laid there, staring blankly at my computer screen and routinely silencing my alarms until literally 5. I didn't even have enough time to shave before I came to work because I was so hesitant to start my day. This right here is the pinnacle of my laziness shown through the lack understanding productivity.
Basically I just rambled on for three paragraphs trying to articulate how much I hate the morning but I still feel like I haven't gotten the point across. You know how much Hitler hated the Jews? That example may be in poor taste, but that's how much I fucking hate the morning.
Hopefully you catch my drift now. But the real fuck of it is when it comes to these fit tests, that I have the most absurd hours ever. Yesterday it wasn't just that my day started at 6 am, it was that it went until 5 pm. That's 11 hours, with a measly 1 hour lunch break which due to having to clean up and set up in different rooms of the hospital usually only amounts to about a 30 minute break to somehow leave the hospital get food and get back to start again. This means often times I have to resort to fast food most days which I don't much enjoy. If I didn't feel dirty enough eating at McDonald's, I definitely fucking do after standing in line with five different freakshows who reek of psychic readings, adult toy stores and teenage pregnancy.
Today my shift is an 8 hour one that only goes to 3 pm thankfully, but my shift for Friday starts at Midnight, and goes until 4 am.... So I'll be lucky to get a nap in this afternoon and I'll be getting off work tomorrow when I got up this morning.... Weird.
Maybe I haven't been clear enough about what respirator fit testing is to this point but every employee has to be tested to know how to wear a respirator, which are small uncomfortable masks that protect people from getting contaminated with tuberculosis. To do the tests, after they put the masks on I have to put a hood over their head that looks like a mixture of a KKK hood and a space helmet, then I spray some shit in the hood called saccrine, which is sweet. If they taste it at all it's either because they don't know how to fit the respirator correctly or they are wearing the wrong size.
The funniest part of the whole test are the assholes we test. Generally the people are pretty pleasant because they realize giving these tests all day is probably worse than doing one test a year. Sometimes though, you get the real shitheads who have a full blown flagpole up there ass, not just a stick and they complain about, well everything. They come in not having done their paperwork, then bitch to us like it's our fault when they are mandated by the hospital and OSHA (Occupational Safety and Heath Administration) to fill out the shit correctly. Basically what it comes down to, is I give no fucks about the fact that you don't have your paperwork filled out, and you can eat a whole box of fuck off if you want to blame me for you not doing your job.
Once they have been medically cleared, these same shitty people who complained about doing it and say they are respirator experts often times have no idea what they hell size they are or how to even put it on. One lady complained saying that she had just done it and it was a waste of time for her. She then proceeded to put her respirator on upside down which really isn't an easy mistake because it's blatantly obvious what side is the top and which side is the bottom.
I said before that today has been rather slow, but the thing is that it is either unbelievably dead, or we have a line of 15 people waiting to get tested. Unfortunately it seems as if everyone plans to come at exactly the same time which makes our lives a lot more difficult because we get inundated with complaints that they have to wait when if they came in maybe an hour later, or earlier they wouldn't wait a second.
Although I just explained all my qualms with this job, I have seen some hilarious things over the past few weeks doing this. One lady I fit tested was rocking a mustache just about as full as mine, with a matching soul patch below her lower lip. I had a smile ear to ear the entire time I was testing her and it was the hardest I've ever had to work at not laughing my ass clear off. Another person I tested was named "Perfecto" and he was a fabulous gay Latin nurse. Basically he was the perfect person to have the name "Perfecto", it just made sense.
That's about all the complaining I can do right now. I guess I'm just not used to working full time because in college I did jack shit everyday and somehow managed not to fail. Now I actually have to do stuff and look professional many hours of the week but I guess I should just be thankful I have a job, no matter how miserable the people are.
