Part 2 of my six part analysis of film in 2011 is "Movies that I couldn't give a fuck about."
I felt that it was important to touch on this because I am extremely disappointed with nearly all aspects of film this past year outside of comedy. There just really wasn't much that struck a chord with me and got my insides feeling warm and fuzzy. Not that I really expect films to actually alter the way my organs function, but you know what I mean.
This year had it's moments but it had a much larger array of shit that I genuinely don't give a shit about, than in most recent years.
You may be thinking how is this any different than "disappointments and disgraces" and it's a valid question. At the same time they aren't at all the same thing so just keep reading and what I write will answer your questions.
The Green's: Green Lantern & Green Hornet
I had relatively high expectations for Green Hornet, considering it was co-written by Seth Rogen and directed by Gondry. The problem was it was a movie that I immediately forgot about. I should've remembered that it came out in January and movies generally blow in that month (except for this year so far [The Grey and Haywire are fantastic]).
No matter how hot Blake Lively is, I knew better than to see Green Lantern. I'm just better than that.
Captain America
I will start by saying that a lot of people really liked this movie. I will finish with the fact that I literally slept through 60% of it and didn't feel like I missed a minute...
Twilight 4.1
Oh cool, the Twilight franchise decided to split their last book in half to milk their last vestige of money for every bit of it's worth. Lets take a stupid and short piece of shit novel and split it in two so we can make more asshole money off of asshole people.
If I actually cared about the Twilight franchise or vampires in general I would've downloaded that shit because they are literally just digging into your pockets and robbing you of your dignity and making fun of you at the same time. PJ (Peter Jackson) managed to condense the three epic fantasy novels that make up the Lord of the Rings franchise, and turn them into incredible films. The dicks who've been adapting the Twilight series can't manage to put together a lucid thought, let alone a decent film out of their teenie-bopper-bullshit novels.
Sure Peter Jackson is taking The Hobbit and turning it into two movies, but Peter Jackson is better than anyone involved with Twilight, and that's just a scientific fact.
Hall Pass
Jesus Christ... Stop Farrelly Bros... Just fucking stop doing this and put every bit of shitty brain power you have left into making sure that the Dumb & Dumber sequel doesn't destroy my chances of happiness.
Harry Potter 7.1
The 7th installment of Harry Potter.... Another book that they saw fit to split in half for the film adaptation to milk more money out of the audiences, was well received by everyone. All the Harry Potter flicks have been generally well enjoyed by everyone, including me. The main problem is that I just don't care about years of school that are exactly the same. Why couldn't Harry have just had a fucking normal School year where he worried more about his classroom erections, acne, body odor, hair, or anything normal that fucking high schooler's deal with. Sure he goes to some school that focuses on the craft of wizardry, but he still was a teenager. Yeah he has trouble talking to girls, but who cares? At my school several people got pregnant well before they graduated from high school. Where was that in Hogwarts?
Over time the whole idea of Harry Potter just became muffled and boring. In most of the books he faces off with some version of he who must not be spoken (Voldermort for all you non-pussies) at the end . Each time he had to face a certain set of stupid boundaries and solve some stupid puzzle because people continually (and conveniently) held information out so he wouldn't learn everything all at once. The formula of the story was basically the same every year, but instead of finals, Harry had to save the entire school and civilization every year instead.
I saw every year up until Harry's final year (Both asshole Deadly Hallows flicks), but I just don't feel compelled to see the last two movies. I guess I'd rather just bitch over trivial and pointless things that annoy me to you on the internet.
Your Highness
I had relatively high expectations for this, due to the fact that they red-band trailer was hilarious, and the cast was stellar. Then I saw it and barely managed to force laughs even though I was drunk. If I'm drunk and literally working to laugh at a movie, then it's not funny.
I guess you could make an argument that I am disappointed by this movie because I was genuinely disappointed at the time. The reason I kept it out of that category was because I completely forgot this movie existed until I looked back at a list of flicks that came out in 2011. I cared so little about it that I literally forgot it existed. What I don't forget when looking back at it now is Natalie Portman's glorious ass in a thong during one scene. The unfortunate part of that, is that you can just watch the red-band trailer and get the same image and literally see every funny second of the movie.
Sucker Punch
If there's one thing I like, it's attractive women holding dangerous weapons. This movie had a bevy of exactly what I just explained yet it managed to hold 0% of my interest. Sure Zack Snyder knows how to make things look cool, but he is pretty terrible at making anything worth watching. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie without leaving the room to continue on with my life.
300 sucked. There I said it.
Transformers 3
Stop giving Michael Bay movies any money. You could spend that 10-17 dollars on something worthwhile. Like a length of rope to hang yourself, or a bullet to put into your brain. The man has literally thrown mindless drivel at a screen and turned the volume up really loud to make millions upon millions of dollars. If you give him money then you support the death of storytelling.
I knew the world was ending soon when a fellow classmate at Hartford exclaimed that his favorite director is Michael Bay. This same student also tried to make a point that a classic movie from the 1930's that we were watching in class wouldn't stand the test of time... If you want to see a movie with great action that has some actual intelligence, watch a Nolan flick, or catch the latest Mission Impossible.
New Years Eve
You will never make a rom-com with many interrelated love stories that is nearly as good as Love Actually. Just fucking stop trying. No matter what Hollywood talent you throw at it, it will be a waste of everyone's time and money.
Conan the Barbarian... In 3D....
There are various reasons that this doesn't work. All of them being that Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't in it.
At least with the newest Total Recall, they've got Bryan Cranston as Vilos Cohaagen. That is the only thing that gives that flick some promise. Still it will never match up to the Scwarzenegger classic. How could it?
The Help
I'm sure this movie is very good. I know that if I sat down and watched it that I would enjoy it. The problem with it is, that I have absolutely no interest in seeing it. The only bit of interest I would've had for it was lost when they made Emma Stone look ugly. I'm sure the performances are riveting, but in the end the subject matter bores me. I guess in the end, maybe I'm just sexist and racist.
The Artist
This is another movie I'm sure is fantastic. The problem with it is, I can't stay awake during a silent film. It's literally impossible. I slept through every silent film they screened when I was in film school, well in reality it I slept during every movie we screened, but I slept especially hard when it was a silent movie. I'm sure the music is great, and the acting superb, but I just don't care. Again it doesn't really have anything that hooks me in as an audience member. I'm sorry but nobody's skirt gets blown up when they hear "black & white" teemed with "silent film". In fact you'll find that in most cases, that people will tend to steer clear of those options. That is why I'm boycotting this movie at least until after the Oscars. I want to be bitter when it wins best picture because it probably will.
Abduction
Hahahahaha. Women are stupid.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Movies in 2011: Disappointments and Disgraces
"Disappointments and disgraces" is the title of the first of six different categories that I will be discussing in reference to the "2011" year in film. I was going to write one very long and extensive analysis but I realized it would be way too long and that it would be best if it is broken up into smaller pieces. Each article will reveal a little more of my thoughts on the year, and will eventually lead up to my final top 10 of the year. I will also do a shorter series detailing my analysis of the year in television.
I felt like it would be best to start out with Disappointments and Disgraces because my best writing involves pure unadulterated hatred, and it is usually more entertaining for the readers as well.
So here goes.
Adam Sandler: Fuck that Guy
If you saw Jack and Jill, and liked it..... Then stop reading this immediately, and never be a part of my life ever again. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, wait... Actually no, I'm being the exact amount of harsh I should be. I plainly don't respect you and don't want you to be a part of my life.
Sure maybe I haven't seen it, but that is because I am of value. How many bad movies is Sandler going to make before we stop handing him millions of dollars every year?? His last moderately decent movie was I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Fairy, and without Jessica Biel's beauty (body [Tits]) that movie would've been gay.
Happy Madison Productions also produced Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and Zookeeper which were lauded as cinematic gems... Did I just say gems? I meant cinematic dogshit. Again, I didn't see these but Bucky Larson got a 0% on rotten tomatoes, and Zookeeper finished with 14%. Jack and Jill walked away with a 3% and Just Go With It got a 19% percent. If you average all four Happy Madison Productions together then you come up with a modest 9% for 2011. Sure, even the Sandler classics weren't highly regarded by critics, but 9%?? I'm not a mathematician, but that's fucking disgraceful.
Sandler used to be one of the premiere names in comedy and many people have shut off their brain not yet realizing that he hasn't really made a decent movie in the last decade. They keep on fueling the monster that is him, and allowing him to put a minimum amount of effort into his work while receiving a sizable profit. Even though his pathetic movies averaged a 9% approval rating by critics, they managed to rake in just under 260 million dollars.
Basically if we can all make a conscious effort in 2012 to stop giving Adam Sandler money, then he won't be able to poison and dumbify our society any more than he already has this past decade.
The Walking Nightmare that is Nic Cage
Despite the shit-storm of an acting resume that he continues to manifest, people continue to give Nicolas Cage leading roles in movies... It's like the producers in Hollywood don't know what to do with their money so they just cover it with honey and shoot it out of a cannon onto a brick wall. Except that weird thing that I just described would actually be somewhat entertaining, and anything Nic Cage is a part of is generally not.
Sure Cage has had some mesmerizing performances, but 95% of his schedule is filled with uttering out mindless drivel within the confines of a terrible action thriller. His movies have become laughable. Of the three released this year, the only one that looked enjoyable enough was Drive Angry, and that was more or less because it was meant to be bad. The movie didn't take itself seriously, so it was the only thing that he made this year that had a shot of being entertaining. Now again, I don't like to give money to anything that's bad, (unless it involves Jason Statham) so I didn't see any of Cage's movies.
The point is that you don't have to. You know what to expect year in and out with this man. Occasionally he'll sneak by a performance that is fantastic but most of his body of work consists of mindless garbage.
Stomach this: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is rumored to have 75 million dollar budget.......
The trailer for that is one of the most terrible things I've ever seen and I don't think it will make anywhere north of 25 million in the box office.
I guess it's not generally Cage's fault that these movies are bad, but he doesn't make them any better either. I don't know if it's out of stubbornness, or just stupidity, but Hollywood execs keep giving him the chance, and they keep producing these god awful films. If they have enough money to do it, then more power to them I guess. If they were smart they'd give me money and actual good things would happen, but who said anyone in Hollywood is smart?
Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Shoot And My Week With Marilyn
There are various comparisons you could make between Lindsay Lohan and Marilyn Monroe. Both were young Hollywood starlets, both struggle(d) with problems of addiction, and the first letter of both of their first names, is the first letter of their last names. The problem I have when comparing them is that Marilyn Monroe was literally the most famous woman in the world. She remains an icon, and was ogled by men all over the world. Her charm led her to be the star of various classic films and there was no one ever like her before.
Whereas Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, and that's about it. For some reason though, Playboy decided it would be a good idea for her to do a tribute photo shoot to Marilyn Monroe. Why I don't know. First of all, I don't really care about seeing Lindsay Lohan naked. If I want to see a naked drug addict psychopath, then I would go to the Gold Club in Groton CT to see them in person. It's just a ploy to keep her somewhat relevant in our lives even though her tumultuous lifestyle has driven her reputation and career into the dirt.
I have friends on Twitter and Facebook who were excited when they heard that she was going to be naked and my first thought was "why?" Why on earth is anyone actually excited about that? All that means is we get to see some airbrushed coke-head titties. It's sad to say this but Playboy, you're better than Lindsay Lohan.
My Week With Marilyn, was overall in my opinion, a disappointment. It tried to do several things but all it did was just fall short. While it did display just how warped Marilyn Monroe's mind was and helped me understand how people were just drawn to her presence, it just didn't have anything of direct value. It felt shallow, and devoid of purpose. It was more just a portrait displaying how fucked up she is and why she may have turned out that way.
Still no matter how drugged up or insane she was it didn't matter to the main character who wanted to touch her tenderly with his penis. Even after she breaks his heart and it appears he has learned his lesson (which is to not fall in love with Marilyn Monroe apparently? Good luck, guy), she walks in at the end to say goodbye and he lights up like a Christmas tree. The movie may been well acted (Michelle Williams definitely deserves a nomination), but it just doesn't have a point.
Super 8 and Bad Movie Projectionists
I've never liked JJ Abrams. His obnoxious lens-flare style has bothered me from the start and the closest I've come to enjoying one of his films was Mission Impossible III.
Star Trek sucked. There, I said it.
Still for whatever reason I had really high expectations for this one. I thought it was finally going to be the movie that changed the way I felt about his movies. The critics had all said it was supposed to be an homage to the early Spielberg Sci-Fi films and while it looked like it tried really hard, it just didn't hold up any actual enjoyment for me.
*Spoiler Alert*
First off the movie starts out with the protagonist child sitting on a swing set after his mother passed away in a factory accident. The set up is that he and his father have become distanced after her death and the Dad isn't the best at communicating with his son. Over the course of the movie they grow more distanced and eventually when the Son is going back to save his love interest Elle Fanning from a dumb alien, the Dad goes after him.
It starts to look like the Dad is going to be heroic and they are going to be brought together because the Dad is going to save him. In the end the Dad just shows up, they embrace each other after the kids save the day, and the Alien flies away (lamest Alien ever).
Not much happens in the relationship between the Dad and Son and it might just go back to the way it was before, after the movie is over, but at that moment it looks as if they've grown because the son could finally let go of his mother's necklace.
This movie needed balls. One of the kids should've died at the end or something to make the movie actually seem interesting. Instead it was overly predictable and only reminded me of an early Spielberg Sci-Fi movie because it was set in 1979, not because it was like a Spielberg Sci-Fi movie. Within three or four years I'm sure this lackluster film will be largely forgotten.
One of the reasons this movie left a sour taste in my mouth was partially because half the scenes were so dark I couldn't actually see what was going on. This problem lies squarely on the shoulders of the movie theater I went to and the projectionist who set it up to be watched, not the movie itself.
I read in an article over the summer about a rash of complaints all over the country that the screen on whatever movie they were seeing was too dim. Now because everything is digital now, just about any projector can be converted to 3D to show those meaningless piece of shit action movies that continually come out month after month. What this means is that there needs to be a filter inserted into the projector to make it project in 3D. This filter dims the projection by 50%. If left in the projector on a movie that isn't 3D, the image doesn't look different, it just looks very dark.
With many movies they don't have many dark scenes so it almost goes unnoticed, but a good portion of Super 8 is very dark. I was struggling during several sequences to decipher exactly what I was seeing. I had just read about this and it frustrated me because we paid about 15 dollars to sit in this stupid fucking seats that move when the action sequences are intense, and I couldn't even see what the fuck was going on.
This kind of shit makes me furious. We used extra gas to go to the nicest theater in the southeastern CT area, and we spend extra money on tickets because not only is the theater more expensive, but we're also sitting in these useless sybian-like vibrating chairs, and we can't even see what the fuck is going on. It's not that I feel like I missed all that much of the story. The point is that we went out of our way and spent extra money so we could get the best cinematic experience we could for this movie, and yet they only provide us with a dimly lit version of it because they don't want to take the time to remove the 3D filter.
Apparently the process to remove the filter is extensive and requires several different pass codes to get in and takes about two hours. When I go to a theater to see a movie and spend over ten dollars, fuck over five dollars, I don't care if it takes them 9 hours to change the god damn filter. That's your god damn job.
The industry wonders why people don't go to the movies as much anymore and part of it is because of this shit. Workers being lazy. That's why rich people out on the west coast go to see movies at Arclight Cinemas; home of the 18 dollar weekend prices. A worker actually sits in for the first few minutes of a movie and makes sure that the projection is clear and crisp, and the sound is as well.
I don't see why every movie theater can't provide this kind of performance. It doesn't seem complicated. Even if you're standing in the projection booth, you should be able to see how it looks. How difficult is it to stand there for a preview to measure the quality? If you work in a theater you should know within seconds of viewing if it looks right or not.
I fully understand why people would stay away from going to the movies if they don't have a good experience. It's just not worth it to spend over ten dollars to see a shitty movie that you can watch in HD four months later in the comfort of your own home. Hopefully in the near future all theaters will learn to fix these problems so the shitty movies we see, won't be as shitty as we think they are.
Killer Elite
I just really hoped this movie would be better.
I felt like it would be best to start out with Disappointments and Disgraces because my best writing involves pure unadulterated hatred, and it is usually more entertaining for the readers as well.
So here goes.
Adam Sandler: Fuck that Guy
If you saw Jack and Jill, and liked it..... Then stop reading this immediately, and never be a part of my life ever again. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, wait... Actually no, I'm being the exact amount of harsh I should be. I plainly don't respect you and don't want you to be a part of my life.
Sure maybe I haven't seen it, but that is because I am of value. How many bad movies is Sandler going to make before we stop handing him millions of dollars every year?? His last moderately decent movie was I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Fairy, and without Jessica Biel's beauty (body [Tits]) that movie would've been gay.
Happy Madison Productions also produced Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, and Zookeeper which were lauded as cinematic gems... Did I just say gems? I meant cinematic dogshit. Again, I didn't see these but Bucky Larson got a 0% on rotten tomatoes, and Zookeeper finished with 14%. Jack and Jill walked away with a 3% and Just Go With It got a 19% percent. If you average all four Happy Madison Productions together then you come up with a modest 9% for 2011. Sure, even the Sandler classics weren't highly regarded by critics, but 9%?? I'm not a mathematician, but that's fucking disgraceful.
Sandler used to be one of the premiere names in comedy and many people have shut off their brain not yet realizing that he hasn't really made a decent movie in the last decade. They keep on fueling the monster that is him, and allowing him to put a minimum amount of effort into his work while receiving a sizable profit. Even though his pathetic movies averaged a 9% approval rating by critics, they managed to rake in just under 260 million dollars.
Basically if we can all make a conscious effort in 2012 to stop giving Adam Sandler money, then he won't be able to poison and dumbify our society any more than he already has this past decade.
The Walking Nightmare that is Nic Cage
Despite the shit-storm of an acting resume that he continues to manifest, people continue to give Nicolas Cage leading roles in movies... It's like the producers in Hollywood don't know what to do with their money so they just cover it with honey and shoot it out of a cannon onto a brick wall. Except that weird thing that I just described would actually be somewhat entertaining, and anything Nic Cage is a part of is generally not.
Sure Cage has had some mesmerizing performances, but 95% of his schedule is filled with uttering out mindless drivel within the confines of a terrible action thriller. His movies have become laughable. Of the three released this year, the only one that looked enjoyable enough was Drive Angry, and that was more or less because it was meant to be bad. The movie didn't take itself seriously, so it was the only thing that he made this year that had a shot of being entertaining. Now again, I don't like to give money to anything that's bad, (unless it involves Jason Statham) so I didn't see any of Cage's movies.
The point is that you don't have to. You know what to expect year in and out with this man. Occasionally he'll sneak by a performance that is fantastic but most of his body of work consists of mindless garbage.
Stomach this: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is rumored to have 75 million dollar budget.......
The trailer for that is one of the most terrible things I've ever seen and I don't think it will make anywhere north of 25 million in the box office.
I guess it's not generally Cage's fault that these movies are bad, but he doesn't make them any better either. I don't know if it's out of stubbornness, or just stupidity, but Hollywood execs keep giving him the chance, and they keep producing these god awful films. If they have enough money to do it, then more power to them I guess. If they were smart they'd give me money and actual good things would happen, but who said anyone in Hollywood is smart?
Lindsay Lohan's Playboy Shoot And My Week With Marilyn
There are various comparisons you could make between Lindsay Lohan and Marilyn Monroe. Both were young Hollywood starlets, both struggle(d) with problems of addiction, and the first letter of both of their first names, is the first letter of their last names. The problem I have when comparing them is that Marilyn Monroe was literally the most famous woman in the world. She remains an icon, and was ogled by men all over the world. Her charm led her to be the star of various classic films and there was no one ever like her before.
Whereas Lindsay Lohan was in Mean Girls, and that's about it. For some reason though, Playboy decided it would be a good idea for her to do a tribute photo shoot to Marilyn Monroe. Why I don't know. First of all, I don't really care about seeing Lindsay Lohan naked. If I want to see a naked drug addict psychopath, then I would go to the Gold Club in Groton CT to see them in person. It's just a ploy to keep her somewhat relevant in our lives even though her tumultuous lifestyle has driven her reputation and career into the dirt.
I have friends on Twitter and Facebook who were excited when they heard that she was going to be naked and my first thought was "why?" Why on earth is anyone actually excited about that? All that means is we get to see some airbrushed coke-head titties. It's sad to say this but Playboy, you're better than Lindsay Lohan.
My Week With Marilyn, was overall in my opinion, a disappointment. It tried to do several things but all it did was just fall short. While it did display just how warped Marilyn Monroe's mind was and helped me understand how people were just drawn to her presence, it just didn't have anything of direct value. It felt shallow, and devoid of purpose. It was more just a portrait displaying how fucked up she is and why she may have turned out that way.
Still no matter how drugged up or insane she was it didn't matter to the main character who wanted to touch her tenderly with his penis. Even after she breaks his heart and it appears he has learned his lesson (which is to not fall in love with Marilyn Monroe apparently? Good luck, guy), she walks in at the end to say goodbye and he lights up like a Christmas tree. The movie may been well acted (Michelle Williams definitely deserves a nomination), but it just doesn't have a point.
Super 8 and Bad Movie Projectionists
I've never liked JJ Abrams. His obnoxious lens-flare style has bothered me from the start and the closest I've come to enjoying one of his films was Mission Impossible III.
Star Trek sucked. There, I said it.
Still for whatever reason I had really high expectations for this one. I thought it was finally going to be the movie that changed the way I felt about his movies. The critics had all said it was supposed to be an homage to the early Spielberg Sci-Fi films and while it looked like it tried really hard, it just didn't hold up any actual enjoyment for me.
*Spoiler Alert*
First off the movie starts out with the protagonist child sitting on a swing set after his mother passed away in a factory accident. The set up is that he and his father have become distanced after her death and the Dad isn't the best at communicating with his son. Over the course of the movie they grow more distanced and eventually when the Son is going back to save his love interest Elle Fanning from a dumb alien, the Dad goes after him.
It starts to look like the Dad is going to be heroic and they are going to be brought together because the Dad is going to save him. In the end the Dad just shows up, they embrace each other after the kids save the day, and the Alien flies away (lamest Alien ever).
Not much happens in the relationship between the Dad and Son and it might just go back to the way it was before, after the movie is over, but at that moment it looks as if they've grown because the son could finally let go of his mother's necklace.
This movie needed balls. One of the kids should've died at the end or something to make the movie actually seem interesting. Instead it was overly predictable and only reminded me of an early Spielberg Sci-Fi movie because it was set in 1979, not because it was like a Spielberg Sci-Fi movie. Within three or four years I'm sure this lackluster film will be largely forgotten.
One of the reasons this movie left a sour taste in my mouth was partially because half the scenes were so dark I couldn't actually see what was going on. This problem lies squarely on the shoulders of the movie theater I went to and the projectionist who set it up to be watched, not the movie itself.
I read in an article over the summer about a rash of complaints all over the country that the screen on whatever movie they were seeing was too dim. Now because everything is digital now, just about any projector can be converted to 3D to show those meaningless piece of shit action movies that continually come out month after month. What this means is that there needs to be a filter inserted into the projector to make it project in 3D. This filter dims the projection by 50%. If left in the projector on a movie that isn't 3D, the image doesn't look different, it just looks very dark.
With many movies they don't have many dark scenes so it almost goes unnoticed, but a good portion of Super 8 is very dark. I was struggling during several sequences to decipher exactly what I was seeing. I had just read about this and it frustrated me because we paid about 15 dollars to sit in this stupid fucking seats that move when the action sequences are intense, and I couldn't even see what the fuck was going on.
This kind of shit makes me furious. We used extra gas to go to the nicest theater in the southeastern CT area, and we spend extra money on tickets because not only is the theater more expensive, but we're also sitting in these useless sybian-like vibrating chairs, and we can't even see what the fuck is going on. It's not that I feel like I missed all that much of the story. The point is that we went out of our way and spent extra money so we could get the best cinematic experience we could for this movie, and yet they only provide us with a dimly lit version of it because they don't want to take the time to remove the 3D filter.
Apparently the process to remove the filter is extensive and requires several different pass codes to get in and takes about two hours. When I go to a theater to see a movie and spend over ten dollars, fuck over five dollars, I don't care if it takes them 9 hours to change the god damn filter. That's your god damn job.
The industry wonders why people don't go to the movies as much anymore and part of it is because of this shit. Workers being lazy. That's why rich people out on the west coast go to see movies at Arclight Cinemas; home of the 18 dollar weekend prices. A worker actually sits in for the first few minutes of a movie and makes sure that the projection is clear and crisp, and the sound is as well.
I don't see why every movie theater can't provide this kind of performance. It doesn't seem complicated. Even if you're standing in the projection booth, you should be able to see how it looks. How difficult is it to stand there for a preview to measure the quality? If you work in a theater you should know within seconds of viewing if it looks right or not.
I fully understand why people would stay away from going to the movies if they don't have a good experience. It's just not worth it to spend over ten dollars to see a shitty movie that you can watch in HD four months later in the comfort of your own home. Hopefully in the near future all theaters will learn to fix these problems so the shitty movies we see, won't be as shitty as we think they are.
Killer Elite
I just really hoped this movie would be better.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
A Blog For You, By Me
I'm back.
I haven't posted since mid July because my life has been a whirlwind of lunacy, partying, and new beginnings. Being my last summer at home I wanted to go out with a bang and I did just that. Problem was this hindered my ability to keep on writing and establishing myself as your favorite blog writer as I should be.
I thought that now would be a good time to start incorporating the people in my posts with requests so I put out a status late last night asking people what they thought I should touch upon.
If I don't touch on your ideas don't take it personal, I probably just got sick of writing before I got there.
First off Madonna at the Super Bowl. You can go to thesportshit.com for my thoughts on that because I will write an in-depth analysis on that decision.
Blackholes and Flubber:
These two words put together in that way scare the hell out of me. All I could think of was Robin Williams putting flubber on his shoes to dunk and getting launched clear into space and going through a black hole. There is no scientific evidence to prove this could happen, but there also isn't any evidence to support that it couldn't either.
Jews and Poor People:
There are a lot of Jews and a lot of poor people in this world. Although most of the poor people aren't Jewish. In fact I'd be willing to wager that less than 1 % of poor people are Jewish. It's scientifically proven that Jewish people are better at handling money.
Adam McQuaid's Mullet:
Adam McQuaid may be Canadian, but his mullet represents freedom and embodies American Patriotism. He grows it for himself and everyone likes it so much that charities get thousands of dollars when he cuts it off. It's good for everyone.
The Purpose of the Top Seat on a Toilet:
This is where I'll probably spend most of my time because at one point or another we've all probably questioned the logic of having one of these top seats because bathrooms are a part of our every day lives, unless we're hippies, homeless people, or we live in India. The entire country of India is a toilet, and that's not even an insult, that's just the reality.
Nothing about a toilet is pretty. All of the grotesque acts that take place in a toilet like vomiting and shitting make it the most disgusting place in the home. Even if it is spotless and cleaned a thousand times over it still carries the thought that someone has destroyed it in the past. Like the episode of Seinfeld where he drops his girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet and she brushes her teeth. In his mind she has been forever tainted by the toilet, in the way toilets are tainted. Effectively he sees her mouth as a toilet and nothing can ever change that, much in the way we can never change the way we view toilets.
A top seat protects our eyes from looking into the toilet bowl which we view as the most disgusting part of a toilet. Looking at that stagnant and lifeless water, which may have been in the toilet for days just sitting there building a film. It's not something we need to see, so if we have the top seat it kind of lets us forget the all the terrifying things that happen in the bottom of the bowl.
The top seat also provides a place to sit down if in the bathroom and in need of a place to sit down. Say you work on your feet all day and just want to sit down when you brush your teeth. Well there it is, your top seat so you can sit and be comfortable that a naked ass probably hasn't sat on it.
Also if you're going to blow coke off the back of a toilet then you have a place to rest your knee comfortably.
My Cats:
I don't have cats, but I humor the idea of cats. Cats exist and people like them. I'm not one of those people who likes them though.
Steven Hawking:
The man is definitely smarter than me, but I can kick his ass at any physical sport. Every time I would score on him I would definitely taunt him by saying "Not so smart now, are ya?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that's all you guys had for me basically. Another day I will try and touch on the cultural juxtaposition of the post-soviet regimes within the different political factions- but until then if you have any more ideas or are anxious to hear my opinions on certain things, fire em' to me and I'll give you something good.
Kobe Bryant raped that girl.
I haven't posted since mid July because my life has been a whirlwind of lunacy, partying, and new beginnings. Being my last summer at home I wanted to go out with a bang and I did just that. Problem was this hindered my ability to keep on writing and establishing myself as your favorite blog writer as I should be.
I thought that now would be a good time to start incorporating the people in my posts with requests so I put out a status late last night asking people what they thought I should touch upon.
If I don't touch on your ideas don't take it personal, I probably just got sick of writing before I got there.
First off Madonna at the Super Bowl. You can go to thesportshit.com for my thoughts on that because I will write an in-depth analysis on that decision.
Blackholes and Flubber:
These two words put together in that way scare the hell out of me. All I could think of was Robin Williams putting flubber on his shoes to dunk and getting launched clear into space and going through a black hole. There is no scientific evidence to prove this could happen, but there also isn't any evidence to support that it couldn't either.
Jews and Poor People:
There are a lot of Jews and a lot of poor people in this world. Although most of the poor people aren't Jewish. In fact I'd be willing to wager that less than 1 % of poor people are Jewish. It's scientifically proven that Jewish people are better at handling money.
Adam McQuaid's Mullet:
Adam McQuaid may be Canadian, but his mullet represents freedom and embodies American Patriotism. He grows it for himself and everyone likes it so much that charities get thousands of dollars when he cuts it off. It's good for everyone.
The Purpose of the Top Seat on a Toilet:
This is where I'll probably spend most of my time because at one point or another we've all probably questioned the logic of having one of these top seats because bathrooms are a part of our every day lives, unless we're hippies, homeless people, or we live in India. The entire country of India is a toilet, and that's not even an insult, that's just the reality.
Nothing about a toilet is pretty. All of the grotesque acts that take place in a toilet like vomiting and shitting make it the most disgusting place in the home. Even if it is spotless and cleaned a thousand times over it still carries the thought that someone has destroyed it in the past. Like the episode of Seinfeld where he drops his girlfriends toothbrush in the toilet and she brushes her teeth. In his mind she has been forever tainted by the toilet, in the way toilets are tainted. Effectively he sees her mouth as a toilet and nothing can ever change that, much in the way we can never change the way we view toilets.
A top seat protects our eyes from looking into the toilet bowl which we view as the most disgusting part of a toilet. Looking at that stagnant and lifeless water, which may have been in the toilet for days just sitting there building a film. It's not something we need to see, so if we have the top seat it kind of lets us forget the all the terrifying things that happen in the bottom of the bowl.
The top seat also provides a place to sit down if in the bathroom and in need of a place to sit down. Say you work on your feet all day and just want to sit down when you brush your teeth. Well there it is, your top seat so you can sit and be comfortable that a naked ass probably hasn't sat on it.
Also if you're going to blow coke off the back of a toilet then you have a place to rest your knee comfortably.
My Cats:
I don't have cats, but I humor the idea of cats. Cats exist and people like them. I'm not one of those people who likes them though.
Steven Hawking:
The man is definitely smarter than me, but I can kick his ass at any physical sport. Every time I would score on him I would definitely taunt him by saying "Not so smart now, are ya?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that's all you guys had for me basically. Another day I will try and touch on the cultural juxtaposition of the post-soviet regimes within the different political factions- but until then if you have any more ideas or are anxious to hear my opinions on certain things, fire em' to me and I'll give you something good.
Kobe Bryant raped that girl.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Respirator Fit (Shit) Testing
This morning I am feeling extra vulgar. Most mornings I am very vulgar in general(mornings, afternoons, nights), but the last two mornings I have been exceedingly high levels. Why may you ask? Well I have been working for Mystic Air Quality (my father's company) doing respirator fit testing at Backus Hospital and I've had to wake up at 4 am the last two days to work long, miserably boring days, fitting hundreds of rude and disgruntled assholes with respirators.
So far in the last two hours since I've been here, the only productive things I've done are fit test two people (one lovely woman, one ravenous whore), and pick my wedgie several times. Now to people who actually do work and have to wake up early in the morning this may not seem like a difficult task. For me to wake up, it's about an hour long process if me rolling around in my bed and holding onto every single second I can manage in that bed. As soon as my feet touch the floor it's all over and I'm infinitely unhappy.
For example yesterday I woke up before my alarms at 345 and realized it was pointless to even tack on any extra minutes of sleep because that would probably just multiply my tiredness. So I just laid there, staring blankly at my computer screen and routinely silencing my alarms until literally 5. I didn't even have enough time to shave before I came to work because I was so hesitant to start my day. This right here is the pinnacle of my laziness shown through the lack understanding productivity.
Basically I just rambled on for three paragraphs trying to articulate how much I hate the morning but I still feel like I haven't gotten the point across. You know how much Hitler hated the Jews? That example may be in poor taste, but that's how much I fucking hate the morning.
Hopefully you catch my drift now. But the real fuck of it is when it comes to these fit tests, that I have the most absurd hours ever. Yesterday it wasn't just that my day started at 6 am, it was that it went until 5 pm. That's 11 hours, with a measly 1 hour lunch break which due to having to clean up and set up in different rooms of the hospital usually only amounts to about a 30 minute break to somehow leave the hospital get food and get back to start again. This means often times I have to resort to fast food most days which I don't much enjoy. If I didn't feel dirty enough eating at McDonald's, I definitely fucking do after standing in line with five different freakshows who reek of psychic readings, adult toy stores and teenage pregnancy.
Today my shift is an 8 hour one that only goes to 3 pm thankfully, but my shift for Friday starts at Midnight, and goes until 4 am.... So I'll be lucky to get a nap in this afternoon and I'll be getting off work tomorrow when I got up this morning.... Weird.
Maybe I haven't been clear enough about what respirator fit testing is to this point but every employee has to be tested to know how to wear a respirator, which are small uncomfortable masks that protect people from getting contaminated with tuberculosis. To do the tests, after they put the masks on I have to put a hood over their head that looks like a mixture of a KKK hood and a space helmet, then I spray some shit in the hood called saccrine, which is sweet. If they taste it at all it's either because they don't know how to fit the respirator correctly or they are wearing the wrong size.
The funniest part of the whole test are the assholes we test. Generally the people are pretty pleasant because they realize giving these tests all day is probably worse than doing one test a year. Sometimes though, you get the real shitheads who have a full blown flagpole up there ass, not just a stick and they complain about, well everything. They come in not having done their paperwork, then bitch to us like it's our fault when they are mandated by the hospital and OSHA (Occupational Safety and Heath Administration) to fill out the shit correctly. Basically what it comes down to, is I give no fucks about the fact that you don't have your paperwork filled out, and you can eat a whole box of fuck off if you want to blame me for you not doing your job.
Once they have been medically cleared, these same shitty people who complained about doing it and say they are respirator experts often times have no idea what they hell size they are or how to even put it on. One lady complained saying that she had just done it and it was a waste of time for her. She then proceeded to put her respirator on upside down which really isn't an easy mistake because it's blatantly obvious what side is the top and which side is the bottom.
I said before that today has been rather slow, but the thing is that it is either unbelievably dead, or we have a line of 15 people waiting to get tested. Unfortunately it seems as if everyone plans to come at exactly the same time which makes our lives a lot more difficult because we get inundated with complaints that they have to wait when if they came in maybe an hour later, or earlier they wouldn't wait a second.
Although I just explained all my qualms with this job, I have seen some hilarious things over the past few weeks doing this. One lady I fit tested was rocking a mustache just about as full as mine, with a matching soul patch below her lower lip. I had a smile ear to ear the entire time I was testing her and it was the hardest I've ever had to work at not laughing my ass clear off. Another person I tested was named "Perfecto" and he was a fabulous gay Latin nurse. Basically he was the perfect person to have the name "Perfecto", it just made sense.
That's about all the complaining I can do right now. I guess I'm just not used to working full time because in college I did jack shit everyday and somehow managed not to fail. Now I actually have to do stuff and look professional many hours of the week but I guess I should just be thankful I have a job, no matter how miserable the people are.
So far in the last two hours since I've been here, the only productive things I've done are fit test two people (one lovely woman, one ravenous whore), and pick my wedgie several times. Now to people who actually do work and have to wake up early in the morning this may not seem like a difficult task. For me to wake up, it's about an hour long process if me rolling around in my bed and holding onto every single second I can manage in that bed. As soon as my feet touch the floor it's all over and I'm infinitely unhappy.
For example yesterday I woke up before my alarms at 345 and realized it was pointless to even tack on any extra minutes of sleep because that would probably just multiply my tiredness. So I just laid there, staring blankly at my computer screen and routinely silencing my alarms until literally 5. I didn't even have enough time to shave before I came to work because I was so hesitant to start my day. This right here is the pinnacle of my laziness shown through the lack understanding productivity.
Basically I just rambled on for three paragraphs trying to articulate how much I hate the morning but I still feel like I haven't gotten the point across. You know how much Hitler hated the Jews? That example may be in poor taste, but that's how much I fucking hate the morning.
Hopefully you catch my drift now. But the real fuck of it is when it comes to these fit tests, that I have the most absurd hours ever. Yesterday it wasn't just that my day started at 6 am, it was that it went until 5 pm. That's 11 hours, with a measly 1 hour lunch break which due to having to clean up and set up in different rooms of the hospital usually only amounts to about a 30 minute break to somehow leave the hospital get food and get back to start again. This means often times I have to resort to fast food most days which I don't much enjoy. If I didn't feel dirty enough eating at McDonald's, I definitely fucking do after standing in line with five different freakshows who reek of psychic readings, adult toy stores and teenage pregnancy.
Today my shift is an 8 hour one that only goes to 3 pm thankfully, but my shift for Friday starts at Midnight, and goes until 4 am.... So I'll be lucky to get a nap in this afternoon and I'll be getting off work tomorrow when I got up this morning.... Weird.
Maybe I haven't been clear enough about what respirator fit testing is to this point but every employee has to be tested to know how to wear a respirator, which are small uncomfortable masks that protect people from getting contaminated with tuberculosis. To do the tests, after they put the masks on I have to put a hood over their head that looks like a mixture of a KKK hood and a space helmet, then I spray some shit in the hood called saccrine, which is sweet. If they taste it at all it's either because they don't know how to fit the respirator correctly or they are wearing the wrong size.
The funniest part of the whole test are the assholes we test. Generally the people are pretty pleasant because they realize giving these tests all day is probably worse than doing one test a year. Sometimes though, you get the real shitheads who have a full blown flagpole up there ass, not just a stick and they complain about, well everything. They come in not having done their paperwork, then bitch to us like it's our fault when they are mandated by the hospital and OSHA (Occupational Safety and Heath Administration) to fill out the shit correctly. Basically what it comes down to, is I give no fucks about the fact that you don't have your paperwork filled out, and you can eat a whole box of fuck off if you want to blame me for you not doing your job.
Once they have been medically cleared, these same shitty people who complained about doing it and say they are respirator experts often times have no idea what they hell size they are or how to even put it on. One lady complained saying that she had just done it and it was a waste of time for her. She then proceeded to put her respirator on upside down which really isn't an easy mistake because it's blatantly obvious what side is the top and which side is the bottom.
I said before that today has been rather slow, but the thing is that it is either unbelievably dead, or we have a line of 15 people waiting to get tested. Unfortunately it seems as if everyone plans to come at exactly the same time which makes our lives a lot more difficult because we get inundated with complaints that they have to wait when if they came in maybe an hour later, or earlier they wouldn't wait a second.
Although I just explained all my qualms with this job, I have seen some hilarious things over the past few weeks doing this. One lady I fit tested was rocking a mustache just about as full as mine, with a matching soul patch below her lower lip. I had a smile ear to ear the entire time I was testing her and it was the hardest I've ever had to work at not laughing my ass clear off. Another person I tested was named "Perfecto" and he was a fabulous gay Latin nurse. Basically he was the perfect person to have the name "Perfecto", it just made sense.
That's about all the complaining I can do right now. I guess I'm just not used to working full time because in college I did jack shit everyday and somehow managed not to fail. Now I actually have to do stuff and look professional many hours of the week but I guess I should just be thankful I have a job, no matter how miserable the people are.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The Real "Dear Public Safety"
Over the past few weeks Public Safety has gone ape shit giving me three tickets. After the latest I got to speak with a Public Safety officer right after he threw it on my car and I learned some fascinating information. Today I decided it was time to fight back and give my own piece of mind so I sent in my appeal. Ass.holes.
"I have been very cooperative with all my citations in the past even when I have even more legitimate grounds for appeal and I have to say that this is getting a little out of hand.
The first I got for parking in D lot saying "Other than Assigned Lot" which is confusing considering that there is a sign saying that I can park in that lot from 730 am to 12 am. What it doesn't specify on that sign and I would otherwise not know if I didn't drive past the red lined spaces is that I, as a commuter, can't park in the yellow lined spaces and I can only park in the red lined spaces.
There are only two rows of those red lines for me to choose from which only amounts to a very small amount of spaces in D Lot for commuters to use. The signs on the red spots say something along these lines "Commuter Parking Only in Red Lined Spots", which when read and comprehended can mean one of two things, either that only commuters can park in those spots during the specified time, or commuters can only park in those spots. That is what I assumed and it made sense to me because we honestly don't have that much to work with in the commuter lots and during peak hours (especially when there was a fair amount of snow everywhere) B Lot and the other lots fill up really quickly.
That was the first ticket I got and I should've been more forthcoming with telling you guys to fuck right off because it's honestly a little ridiculous that you would nail me because your sign policies are absolutely and incoherently stupid. Now that my car is "hot" as some Public Safety Officer told me just minutes after he slapped me with the violation, they are constantly checking the lots for my car (as well as others). If I'm parked too far over a yellow line somewhere (Well in the lots where I can actually park in the yellow lines)then I am more apt to get a ticket.
What if the guy who I had to park next to was a total douche and went over his line so I had to compensate by doing the same? You will probably just say, "you should've found a different spot to avoid this problem".
I don't think you take into account what a commuter might actually be doing at night considering that I, as a cinema student have access to the lab in Abrams Hall 24 Hours a day. I have that luxury yet I don't have the ability to actually park anywhere so I can take advantage of it. This semester, being my final and most difficult, calls for many long nights in the lab editing until the sun comes up in many cases.
Now you will say "Well you should've registered your car on campus to stay the night then". So say I did, and I wasted 25 minutes of mine and somebody else’s time you would just tell me to park in C lot anyway (the lot I got the ticket I am actually appealing).
Honestly I don't park in places intending to make things difficult for anyone, or to try and break the system, I merely just don't understand your broken attempt at a system.
It’s sad that I started writing this appeal in the Public Safety office but then moved my car because I was afraid that maybe I would get a ticket for exceeding the 15 minute time limit I have allotted in the spots in front of the building.
In the future at the start of the night I will have people register my car for the evening so that I don’t run into this problem, but it would be nice if you used a little leniency in at least taking this citation away or at least dropping it down to an overnight charge that I’ve gotten for parking at Konover. I don’t understand why I would have to pay more to park in C lot, then in Konover lot, but hey, most of what you guys do doesn’t make sense."
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dear University of Hartford Public Safety,
Or should I say public shitheads. Thank you for the 50 dollar parking ticket for parking in D-lot on one of the days I choose to be productive. I really appreciate having to pay 50 dollars because your signs in the parking lot contradict each other. The signs entering the parking lot say Commuter Parking from 730 am to 12am... One would think this means I can park anywhere in the lot unless otherwise notified by a sign next to the parking spot... but no. Apparently commuters are only meant to park in the red spots but it only says that on the red spot area. Shouldn't it say that on the entrance of the parking lot? I mean what the fuck.
I know you want to get your money grubbing hands on every filthy penny that I and my family ever makes because your a worthless money making organization first before an actual University. I've parked there multiple times a week since the beginning of last semester because I had no idea that I wasn't able to park there. Maybe you should be a little more clear as to where I can park.
Commuter Parking
From 730 am to 12am Monday-Friday
Except in any spot that is convenient or available. You may only occupy the two small rows of red lined spaces that are never free. While you're at it give us extra money, get angry and punch yourself in the balls because in reality our job is really just to make your life as inconvenient as possible and charge you for it. Hopefully you can read this tiny font, and if you can't you could pay us to read it for you and if you're a girl we'll be really creepy and remember your name so we can stalk you around campus.
I think that would be a more accurate sign. It would capture the real essence of what you useless twats do on campus. Guaranteed if I actually needed your assistance you would be creepily hitting on a cheerleader and following her to her room because that's what you're best at, being useless shits. Oh and pissing anyone off who wants to get on campus past 10 pm Thursday-Saturday.
So when I graduate this spring (God willing), I raise will my two middle fingers to you for the service you displayed in the four years I came here. Failing to make anyone on the campus feel safer at any time, and just pissing everyone off when you bust the good kids for having tiny parties while you allow the roofie slipping sports teams and fraternities to get away with mostly anything. Maybe if the sports teams or fraternities meant anything at this School I would understand but really? Who gives a tits about the guys basketball team? Not me, not anybody.
Signed,
My One Testicle.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wannabe in LA
Well I'm going off to the city of Lost Angels for spring break to make a short film and party. While I do laundry to get ready for my long illustrious trip I decided that it was time to update people on my life through the form of a blog.
Hello world. In case you haven't heard my stream of conscious lately, here it is.
Fuck.
I never wrote a reflection about the Oscars and now that I've had time to reflect on the picks and the overall show I now can give a better opinion.
The Oscar's weren't good. I love you James Franco, but you should stick to not hosting award ceremonies. And the limey The King's Speech won most of the big awards which in some respects it deserved. In my overall opinion The Social Network should've pulled in best pic and definitely Best Director. Firth deserved best actor, Portman, Bale and Leo too. Nolan should've won best original screenplay but the academy hates movies that make lots of money. I learned that some people took Alice In Wonderland seriously, which was a mistake on their part.
Overall though, the show was sub-par at best. Let me put this into perspective for you, I never do homework... In fact I'm several assignments behind in multiple classes. It's how I operate. But I actually got a full assignment done during the Awards. I actually was more compelled to do work than pat attention to the dull presentation and out of it hosts (I like you Hathaway, but Franco brought you down). Oh well. Last year was a pretty good year in film and this year will be shitty so at least we can look back at the year as a success and be happy for it in those respects.
On to the next topic.
I've been writing this whole thing while taking a dump.
Winning.
On that note I haven't really talked about how awesome Charlie Sheen is and how his rants have really been the light that keeps me going. Before his most recent outbreaks all I had was the fact that Delonte West had sex with Lebron James' mom, Chris Benoit killing himself and his whole family and anything related to Mel Gibson. Charlie has added so much to our lives with his hilarious television shows, and his great performances on the silver screen. What he really has given us is the understanding that there is someone fighting the good fight. Living the American dream.... Banging 7 gram rocks and having sex with goddess porn stars on the reg. He also brings to the table a plethora of hilarious and ingenious diction that is enough to put a smile on anyone who isn't an asshole's face.
Charlie I applaud you and I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. I just hope you don't overdo your public outcries because right now you're a diamond in the rough and I'd hate for you to get boring. Honestly nobody is winning nearly as much as you right now and it probably has a lot to do with the fact that you've got tigerblood... and that you're an f-18- vatican assassin. If there were a drug called Charlie Sheen and it really melted your face off and left droopy eyed armless children weeping over my dead body then I would buy it and do it in your honor right now.
Well I'm finally done with my poop which I'm really excited about because it was a clean sweep, which is a wipeless poo to you less experienced poop enthusiasts. Even if you have the worst day of your life, a wipeless poo always makes that day special. It's a metaphor for life really. A clean sweep represents what we all look for in life and that we hope to accomplish. "Andrew Dufresne crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side" Morgan Freeman famously says in that movie that didn't win any Academy Awards when it should've won them all. Not to compare a wipeless poo to escaping from prison after being incarcerated 20+ years for doing a crime that you didn't commit. But Mr. Clean's really are the tits and should be celebrated a lot more often. Well I have to change the loads over and I probably won't have time to write in this for another week and a half or so, so godspeed blog readers. Keep winning like Charlie Sheen and keep looking for those clean sweeps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)