Hopeless Traditions: Valentine's Day

I decided that it would be best to write my negative spin on Valentine's Day after the fact. Mainly because I didn't want people to head into the "holiday" with a sour taste put in their mouths. Not that I actually have any sway in what my readers think or feel, but still. I'm an asshole but I don't want to ruin everyone's day of whatever you want to call Valentine's Day.

Here's what I call Valentine's Day.

I'll start off with giving a little more info than you probably need to know about my past experiences. Maybe I'm biased because I have never really had a great Valentine's Day.

Four years ago my car got towed while on campus on Valentine's Day and I had to spend $150 bucks to get it back. So basically I spent 150 dollars of human money and didn't even get a BJ out of it. Lame.

Sad stuff. The following year I probably spent about the same amount of money trying to impress a girl who dumped me a week after the fact. At least that time I got a BJ out of it. Still I have to say that it definitely wasn't worth it.

I took a girl out around Valentine's Day in high school and had a great time, but was too much of a pussy to even kiss her.

You get the trend. I've had a very unsuccessful streak in accordance with this so called, "holiday".

Part of that has to do with the fact that I really don't give a shit about it anyway. You may think that I'm not really a romantic guy, but it's quite the contrary actually. While I put up the front that I don't really give a shit about anything and don't care about love, I do surprisingly. I happen to want to eventually land that prototypical 50's "American Dream" kind of life. A House in the suburbs with kids, coaching recreational league sports, sitting lawnmowers, family bbq's, neighborhood watch, and you know, all that gay shit.

I don't have a problem with romance at all or being romantic, I just don't like being forced into it. Sure if you really love the person it shouldn't be forcing anything, but that's not the point.

A true romantic gesture is one that is spontaneous and unprovoked. So, when we are expected to be romantic on Valentine's Day, how can we be truly spontaneous? Oh yeah, that's right, by taking people out to extremely exorbitantly priced dinners, garnished with fucking chocolate covered cherries, champagne, flowers and all the other stereotypical Valentine's shit.

It's dumb.

Nothing says "I love you" more than getting reservations at some douchey restaurant months in advance so you can sit around a bunch of snobs as they essentially pay for sex. That's kind of what it is. Especially for people my age.

The guys are expected to pay for lots of extravagant crap in exchange for their woman to put out a little more than normal. It's promoted and endorsed prostitution. I know that if I really wanted to tumble in the hay while paying for it I could just go somewhere in Hollywood and find it for cheaper than an expensive dinner + all the other expensive Valentine's Day trinkets. The catch is that may come with a side of sexually transmitted diseases. So that's frowned upon in our society.

So, if you're asking how to spend future Valentine's Day's as a young man? Or at least what I think is the romantic route to take on Valentine's Day. Then here you are. It's probably a lot different than what most women want, but that's because a lot of women are materialistic whores.

1. Home Made Dinner

If you want to impress a female while at this age, make her a nice dinner. Try not to make it too complicated, but if a guy like me makes a dinner for even myself, it's a rare occasion. So if you show the person you're with that you will put in the effort to cook for them, then they should be happy enough.

2. Movies

You might want to stay away from this because it's a little too generic and overdone. If you do go this route, try and actually make it something romantic. Don't go see the stupid romantic comedy, or tear jerker that was inserted into theaters to make millions of dollars off of couples and sad single girls the weekend before Valentine's Day. Also- don't watch any movie that involves Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston. Stay away from them in general, they're a waste of time, money, and brain power.

Try staying in and watching Midnight in Paris or something else that actually is romantic. First of all Valentine's Day should be all about spending quality one-on-one time with the person, not about going out and displaying that you are in love. Save that shit for when everyone else isn't holding hands and feeding their spouse food in front of everyone else. Second; a romantic movie that is also artsy will show off the fact that you aren't a total air-head and don't only like to watch Jason Statham movies. Make sure you stay away from watching The Notebook because girls are much less attractive after they've cried their eyes out of their skull. Just try and stay away from tear-jerkers in general, unless they are Up... That movie is magical.

3. Museums + Other Art Related Shit

Unfortunately because it is the dead of winter in a lot of places that are more relevant that California, so it makes it difficult to find anything to do that is outside. So try going to an art museum or doing anything "culturally enlightening." Women love that kind of shit and you should too.

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That's really all I got for Valentine's Day because I'm the kind of guy who actually attempts to be romantic on days that aren't February 14th. I think it's unnecessary to flaunt my love for someone if I'm in a relationship on a day even everyone kicks their PDA level up to 11 (out of 10) to put on the facade that their relationship is better than yours.

What to do if you're a single man?

Now, if you are a bachelor around my age, how must you spend this day? If you're sad that you're single and lonely, then you are spending the "holiday" the wrong way. This is a day to embrace as a single man. A day that you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. There are many extremely awesome things you can do to embrace this and make it the best day of the year really.

Here's a list of awesome manly things you can do to make this next February 14th the best day of the year for a single man.

1. Go to a Shooting Range

Guns are the best thing anyone can do. If you're a man and you don't like guns, then you simply aren't a man. Shooting a gun is one of the best ways to clear your head and gives your whole body a feeling that can't quite be replicated. Women don't typically understand the feeling that comes with guns and often times don't endorse the shooting of awesome weapons. If you're single, you have no one to answer to, other than that gun that could be, being fired at that time so just shoot it already.

2. Eat Whatever the Fuck You Want.

Not that women control our eating habits directly, but they kind of do. I encourage you to eat food that is terrible for you. The more calories, the manlier. Gluten free? Make it a gluten exclusive day. Eat foods that give you horrible gas then fart and bask in the glory that is the ability to expel gas whenever you want.

For example I ate a bowl of chili last night, and had tons of pizza for lunch at a buffet. I had awful gas and I felt great about it. If I were in a relationship, this probably wouldn't happen.

3. Action Movies

Most women don't understand the treat that is Arnold Schwarzenegger. They don't understand why we smile and laugh when we hear Hans Gruber read off a dead man's shirt "Now I have a Machine Gun. Ho-Ho-Ho." Fact is women just don't fully understand how awesome action movies are. Valentine's Day is the time to crack out the greats. I recommend Predator. You really can't find a movie with more testosterone in it. It's plain and simply the manliest movie that exists. If you want to spend the end of your night the correct way then you will drink many beverages of an alcohol nature, and watch Arnold, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura fight an extra-terrestrial in the heart of the jungle.

4. Pornography

Watch lots of it. Go crazy.

5. Video Games

Generally speaking, women don't like video games. Sure there are exceptions, but they are exceptions because they are the minority. Sometimes there's nothing better than shooting the shit with some people as I pop some skulls in Modern Warfare 3. It's just the right thing to do sometimes.

6. Make Sure the Toilet Seat is Never Down Unless You Are Shitting

This is self explanatory. If you were in a relationship you would be criticized for neglecting to put it back down after you peed. Make sure you do it, and acknowledge the fact that it's awesome.

7. Adult Beverages

I forgot to mention that drinking beverages of the adult nature are mandatory during nearly all of this day. Sure you should probably drink some water because it is essential to survive, but a Man-lentine's day is best celebrated when 10 drinks deep. No martini's, no fruity beers, stay away from ciders and hard liquor unless you're drinking it neat or on the rocks. It's just the right thing to do.

8. Smoke A Pipe And/Or A Cigar

Cigars and pipes are delightful. Most women don't like the smells that come with them. On this day make sure everything you own stinks like smoke and you've spent your time successfully.

9. Pee Outside

Most women don't pee outside unless they're drunk or camping. Men have the ability to pee outside whenever it is at all possible. Sure I live in LA but I make a good point to pee outside just because I can, and I love to. Lots of women don't really understand how awesome it is to pee outside, but it really is. It's a freedom they'll never be able to understand, and we need to acknowledge this on every February 14th when we are single.

10. Buy "That Thing You Really Want, But Don't Have Yet"

This could mean any number of things. A video game, a gun, a cool chair, golf club, a crazy bottle of booze, you know, anything. There's gotta be that one thing you've wanted for some time and because you don't have to spend a bunch of money on a broad, you can spend it on yourself, totally justified.

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That right there is a list of suggestions that would be the best way to spend Valentine's Day as a single man. You could also go to a bar and find a girl to make sexual intercourse with. On Valentine's Day they are most likely sad that they don't have a date and are extremely vulnerable. If approached correctly, it could be like shooting fish in a barrel. Fortunately I am not depraved enough to attempt this seeing that I marginally respect women and look more for relationships than meaningless intercourse. Damn you self respect, and good morals.

Now Valentine's Day is not entirely a terrible tradition. It's different for older couples who have been together for a long time. They deserve days like this because they live busy lives and often times don't have the opportunity to show their love. In young romance you should have the time to build that romance and don't need a day to celebrate it. I say you go out there and be as romantic as you can be on every day, as opposed to just February 14th. I hope that people will focus less on the materialistic aspects of the day in the future. Unfortunately that just won't happen.