Movies in 2011: Movies That I Couldn't Give a Fuck About

Part 2 of my six part analysis of film in 2011 is "Movies that I couldn't give a fuck about."

I felt that it was important to touch on this because I am extremely disappointed with nearly all aspects of film this past year outside of comedy. There just really wasn't much that struck a chord with me and got my insides feeling warm and fuzzy. Not that I really expect films to actually alter the way my organs function, but you know what I mean.

This year had it's moments but it had a much larger array of shit that I genuinely don't give a shit about, than in most recent years.

You may be thinking how is this any different than "disappointments and disgraces" and it's a valid question. At the same time they aren't at all the same thing so just keep reading and what I write will answer your questions.

The Green's: Green Lantern & Green Hornet

I had relatively high expectations for Green Hornet, considering it was co-written by Seth Rogen and directed by Gondry. The problem was it was a movie that I immediately forgot about. I should've remembered that it came out in January and movies generally blow in that month (except for this year so far [The Grey and Haywire are fantastic]).

No matter how hot Blake Lively is, I knew better than to see Green Lantern. I'm just better than that.

Captain America

I will start by saying that a lot of people really liked this movie. I will finish with the fact that I literally slept through 60% of it and didn't feel like I missed a minute...

Twilight 4.1

Oh cool, the Twilight franchise decided to split their last book in half to milk their last vestige of money for every bit of it's worth. Lets take a stupid and short piece of shit novel and split it in two so we can make more asshole money off of asshole people.

If I actually cared about the Twilight franchise or vampires in general I would've downloaded that shit because they are literally just digging into your pockets and robbing you of your dignity and making fun of you at the same time. PJ (Peter Jackson) managed to condense the three epic fantasy novels that make up the Lord of the Rings franchise, and turn them into incredible films. The dicks who've been adapting the Twilight series can't manage to put together a lucid thought, let alone a decent film out of their teenie-bopper-bullshit novels.

Sure Peter Jackson is taking The Hobbit and turning it into two movies, but Peter Jackson is better than anyone involved with Twilight, and that's just a scientific fact.

Hall Pass

Jesus Christ... Stop Farrelly Bros... Just fucking stop doing this and put every bit of shitty brain power you have left into making sure that the Dumb & Dumber sequel doesn't destroy my chances of happiness.

Harry Potter 7.1

The 7th installment of Harry Potter.... Another book that they saw fit to split in half for the film adaptation to milk more money out of the audiences, was well received by everyone. All the Harry Potter flicks have been generally well enjoyed by everyone, including me. The main problem is that I just don't care about years of school that are exactly the same. Why couldn't Harry have just had a fucking normal School year where he worried more about his classroom erections, acne, body odor, hair, or anything normal that fucking high schooler's deal with. Sure he goes to some school that focuses on the craft of wizardry, but he still was a teenager. Yeah he has trouble talking to girls, but who cares? At my school several people got pregnant well before they graduated from high school. Where was that in Hogwarts?

Over time the whole idea of Harry Potter just became muffled and boring. In most of the books he faces off with some version of he who must not be spoken (Voldermort for all you non-pussies) at the end . Each time he had to face a certain set of stupid boundaries and solve some stupid puzzle because people continually (and conveniently) held information out so he wouldn't learn everything all at once. The formula of the story was basically the same every year, but instead of finals, Harry had to save the entire school and civilization every year instead.

I saw every year up until Harry's final year (Both asshole Deadly Hallows flicks), but I just don't feel compelled to see the last two movies. I guess I'd rather just bitch over trivial and pointless things that annoy me to you on the internet.

Your Highness

I had relatively high expectations for this, due to the fact that they red-band trailer was hilarious, and the cast was stellar. Then I saw it and barely managed to force laughs even though I was drunk. If I'm drunk and literally working to laugh at a movie, then it's not funny.

I guess you could make an argument that I am disappointed by this movie because I was genuinely disappointed at the time. The reason I kept it out of that category was because I completely forgot this movie existed until I looked back at a list of flicks that came out in 2011. I cared so little about it that I literally forgot it existed. What I don't forget when looking back at it now is Natalie Portman's glorious ass in a thong during one scene. The unfortunate part of that, is that you can just watch the red-band trailer and get the same image and literally see every funny second of the movie.

Sucker Punch

If there's one thing I like, it's attractive women holding dangerous weapons. This movie had a bevy of exactly what I just explained yet it managed to hold 0% of my interest. Sure Zack Snyder knows how to make things look cool, but he is pretty terrible at making anything worth watching. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie without leaving the room to continue on with my life.

300 sucked. There I said it.

Transformers 3

Stop giving Michael Bay movies any money. You could spend that 10-17 dollars on something worthwhile. Like a length of rope to hang yourself, or a bullet to put into your brain. The man has literally thrown mindless drivel at a screen and turned the volume up really loud to make millions upon millions of dollars. If you give him money then you support the death of storytelling.

I knew the world was ending soon when a fellow classmate at Hartford exclaimed that his favorite director is Michael Bay. This same student also tried to make a point that a classic movie from the 1930's that we were watching in class wouldn't stand the test of time... If you want to see a movie with great action that has some actual intelligence, watch a Nolan flick, or catch the latest Mission Impossible.

New Years Eve

You will never make a rom-com with many interrelated love stories that is nearly as good as Love Actually. Just fucking stop trying. No matter what Hollywood talent you throw at it, it will be a waste of everyone's time and money.

Conan the Barbarian... In 3D....

There are various reasons that this doesn't work. All of them being that Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't in it.

At least with the newest Total Recall, they've got Bryan Cranston as Vilos Cohaagen. That is the only thing that gives that flick some promise. Still it will never match up to the Scwarzenegger classic. How could it?

The Help

I'm sure this movie is very good. I know that if I sat down and watched it that I would enjoy it. The problem with it is, that I have absolutely no interest in seeing it. The only bit of interest I would've had for it was lost when they made Emma Stone look ugly. I'm sure the performances are riveting, but in the end the subject matter bores me. I guess in the end, maybe I'm just sexist and racist.

The Artist

This is another movie I'm sure is fantastic. The problem with it is, I can't stay awake during a silent film. It's literally impossible. I slept through every silent film they screened when I was in film school, well in reality it I slept during every movie we screened, but I slept especially hard when it was a silent movie. I'm sure the music is great, and the acting superb, but I just don't care. Again it doesn't really have anything that hooks me in as an audience member. I'm sorry but nobody's skirt gets blown up when they hear "black & white" teemed with "silent film". In fact you'll find that in most cases, that people will tend to steer clear of those options. That is why I'm boycotting this movie at least until after the Oscars. I want to be bitter when it wins best picture because it probably will.

Abduction

Hahahahaha. Women are stupid.