Dear University of Hartford Public Safety,

Or should I say public shitheads. Thank you for the 50 dollar parking ticket for parking in D-lot on one of the days I choose to be productive. I really appreciate having to pay 50 dollars because your signs in the parking lot contradict each other. The signs entering the parking lot say Commuter Parking from 730 am to 12am... One would think this means I can park anywhere in the lot unless otherwise notified by a sign next to the parking spot... but no. Apparently commuters are only meant to park in the red spots but it only says that on the red spot area. Shouldn't it say that on the entrance of the parking lot? I mean what the fuck.

I know you want to get your money grubbing hands on every filthy penny that I and my family ever makes because your a worthless money making organization first before an actual University. I've parked there multiple times a week since the beginning of last semester because I had no idea that I wasn't able to park there. Maybe you should be a little more clear as to where I can park.

Commuter Parking

From 730 am to 12am Monday-Friday

Except in any spot that is convenient or available. You may only occupy the two small rows of red lined spaces that are never free. While you're at it give us extra money, get angry and punch yourself in the balls because in reality our job is really just to make your life as inconvenient as possible and charge you for it. Hopefully you can read this tiny font, and if you can't you could pay us to read it for you and if you're a girl we'll be really creepy and remember your name so we can stalk you around campus.

I think that would be a more accurate sign. It would capture the real essence of what you useless twats do on campus. Guaranteed if I actually needed your assistance you would be creepily hitting on a cheerleader and following her to her room because that's what you're best at, being useless shits. Oh and pissing anyone off who wants to get on campus past 10 pm Thursday-Saturday.

So when I graduate this spring (God willing), I raise will my two middle fingers to you for the service you displayed in the four years I came here. Failing to make anyone on the campus feel safer at any time, and just pissing everyone off when you bust the good kids for having tiny parties while you allow the roofie slipping sports teams and fraternities to get away with mostly anything. Maybe if the sports teams or fraternities meant anything at this School I would understand but really? Who gives a tits about the guys basketball team? Not me, not anybody.

Signed,

My One Testicle.

Wannabe in LA

Well I'm going off to the city of Lost Angels for spring break to make a short film and party. While I do laundry to get ready for my long illustrious trip I decided that it was time to update people on my life through the form of a blog.

Hello world. In case you haven't heard my stream of conscious lately, here it is.

Fuck.

I never wrote a reflection about the Oscars and now that I've had time to reflect on the picks and the overall show I now can give a better opinion.

The Oscar's weren't good. I love you James Franco, but you should stick to not hosting award ceremonies. And the limey The King's Speech won most of the big awards which in some respects it deserved. In my overall opinion The Social Network should've pulled in best pic and definitely Best Director. Firth deserved best actor, Portman, Bale and Leo too. Nolan should've won best original screenplay but the academy hates movies that make lots of money. I learned that some people took Alice In Wonderland seriously, which was a mistake on their part.

Overall though, the show was sub-par at best. Let me put this into perspective for you, I never do homework... In fact I'm several assignments behind in multiple classes. It's how I operate. But I actually got a full assignment done during the Awards. I actually was more compelled to do work than pat attention to the dull presentation and out of it hosts (I like you Hathaway, but Franco brought you down). Oh well. Last year was a pretty good year in film and this year will be shitty so at least we can look back at the year as a success and be happy for it in those respects.

On to the next topic.

I've been writing this whole thing while taking a dump.

Winning.

On that note I haven't really talked about how awesome Charlie Sheen is and how his rants have really been the light that keeps me going. Before his most recent outbreaks all I had was the fact that Delonte West had sex with Lebron James' mom, Chris Benoit killing himself and his whole family and anything related to Mel Gibson. Charlie has added so much to our lives with his hilarious television shows, and his great performances on the silver screen. What he really has given us is the understanding that there is someone fighting the good fight. Living the American dream.... Banging 7 gram rocks and having sex with goddess porn stars on the reg. He also brings to the table a plethora of hilarious and ingenious diction that is enough to put a smile on anyone who isn't an asshole's face.

Charlie I applaud you and I encourage you to keep doing what you're doing. I just hope you don't overdo your public outcries because right now you're a diamond in the rough and I'd hate for you to get boring. Honestly nobody is winning nearly as much as you right now and it probably has a lot to do with the fact that you've got tigerblood... and that you're an f-18- vatican assassin. If there were a drug called Charlie Sheen and it really melted your face off and left droopy eyed armless children weeping over my dead body then I would buy it and do it in your honor right now.

Well I'm finally done with my poop which I'm really excited about because it was a clean sweep, which is a wipeless poo to you less experienced poop enthusiasts. Even if you have the worst day of your life, a wipeless poo always makes that day special. It's a metaphor for life really. A clean sweep represents what we all look for in life and that we hope to accomplish. "Andrew Dufresne crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side" Morgan Freeman famously says in that movie that didn't win any Academy Awards when it should've won them all. Not to compare a wipeless poo to escaping from prison after being incarcerated 20+ years for doing a crime that you didn't commit. But Mr. Clean's really are the tits and should be celebrated a lot more often. Well I have to change the loads over and I probably won't have time to write in this for another week and a half or so, so godspeed blog readers. Keep winning like Charlie Sheen and keep looking for those clean sweeps.